Once Upon a February…

Once upon a February, an optimistic gal with nothing to lose wrote an email to her daughter’s Mom. Normally, these emails were written with grave seriousness. Hours were spent analyzing words, sentences, content. But on this February day she wasn’t too worried about the words or the sentences or the content. She just wanted to drop a quick note about what was on her mind – free of over analysis. And so she did.

Quickly, she returned to her work, taking a brief break to brag to her friends about her success as a spontaneous emailer. Before she could finish sharing the good news, she saw the beautiful, bolded (1) letting her know she’d received a new email. Assuming it was junk, and email from her Mom, or a Face.book notification, she casually went to her inbox with no real expectations.

She was taken aback when she realized that the thing for which she’d been dreaming and hoping for so long had just happened! There before her was a timely response to her email! She opened it to find pictures of her daughter and a brief response with the promise of more updates “soon.”

Well, that optimistic gal turned right back around and now shared the even better news! She showed off the picture to a couple prized friends. She shared her excitement at a speedy response. She began to believe that maybe people and circumstances did change! This feeling held her over and kept her flying high as time passed at a seemingly faster pace.

And then one day, that optimistic gal realized – holy cow! It’s March.


Well, I’m sure y’all have figured out by this point that the optimistic gal in this story? She’s me. And it’s March. And my last contact was on February 3.

I’m mostly okay with it. It is what it is. I’ve largely given up the hope or that it will be different and have stopped making attempts to make it so. Now, I’m at the point where I more just feel like a fool for thinking that it might be different. But I’m strangely at peace with what’s happening. We’ve got our dysfunctional little groove going and if nothing else, I do believe that it’s not me.

At the end of the day, I do not like that Cupcake is impacted by this routine though. I do wonder how this will manifest in other ways. I have an amazingly wonderful and caring Mom who could not love me more. But she was a bit of a flakester in her day. Oh the memories I have from those times…Getting things from her sometimes is still like pulling teeth. And I know it’s not because she doesn’t care, but because things just get off of her radar. (Like me recently asking her repeatedly for a few addresses so that I can thank people that came to the engagement party!) She get’s sidetracked. That’s just how Mom is. And I wholeheartedly think that Dee is similar.

And the truth is? I’m not THAT far off. I’m a big time procrastinator with some things. And I’m pretty damn good at avoiding things I don’t want to deal with (see: directly addressing issues with Dee). So please know that I’m not only looking outward to criticize faults in our communication. I’m absolutely looking inward and recognizing where my responsibilities lie as well!

But I hope – oh how I hope – that when Cupcake is old enough to voice her opinion, that her Mom will be more up on the follow-through should she express a desire to see me. I’m not naïve enough to think that Cupcake’s input in this can’t go both ways. I fully understand that she might express a desire to not see me. But at this point, I’m willing to take that gamble. Her Mom is not the proactive Mom that’s going to make sure that we have a relationship no matter what. And so right now it falls on the shoulders of me and a four year old. But sooner than I realize, that four year old is going to be fourteen. And I hope by that point her Mom and I can put our flakiness and procrastination aside and find a better, more effective way to communicate, for the good of our daughter.



Filed under all things adoption, cupcake

7 responses to “Once Upon a February…

  1. Mia

    Ack. That kind of thing makes me nuts, even when it’s about something totally casual, let alone something so important and loaded. I know it’s easy to procrastinate and I do it, too, but ouch.

  2. I hope that things change when cupcake is older.

  3. I hope things change BEFORE cupcake is older, otherwise you are going to be dealing with the procrastination abilities of a teenage girl! Yikes!
    Seriously though, you could try sending casual emails any time something happens. Like does she know you moved? What about a quick email about the engagement party & how it went? The more you send the casual emails, the more the relationship has the ability to grow in a casual manner. Nobody wants clinical communication and arms-length visits because they are awkward. And let’s be honest, we all avoid awkward!
    I say this because it’s how I finally got L and her family to start initiating contact instead of waiting for me. It took me a LONG time to get there though, it did not happen over-night and we still have a ton of room to grow.
    Of course, all that is easy for me to say because I’m not in your shoes. Either way, big hugs & tons of support. Oh, and a big hug & kiss from MG!!

    • TG

      Thanks BS 🙂 You’re right. And I certainly don’t plan on just tossing in the towel with communication. I do sometimes send the casual email, but I could certainly make it a more regular occurrence. Hugs and kisses back to MG!!! How’s she enjoying the ski season? 😉

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