A Promise is a Promise

Yes, at 9:40-something, I’m coming in a little under the wire. Apologies to time zones that are getting this after midnight, but I didn’t say what time zones would get this “today!” So for those folks – good morning! And for my West Coasters or those with insomnia: you got your fix, now go to bed! 😉

On the day of our visit, I got an email from a good friend. In it, she shared her hopes for our visit, and in many ways, hopes for the future. In that process, she put down hopes that either I couldn’t articulate, or ones that I was afraid to. In doing so, she opened me up to thinking about those hopes. In reading the email, her hopes so clearly outlined all the things that I wanted to share, felt compelled to share, that I immediately asked her if I could use those hopes as the jumping off point for my visit recap. She graciously accepted, so I owe any clarity that has come to me to her. So thank you. You know who you are!

I hope this afternoon is memorable, wonderful, joyous (even in its sadness) and everything you’d imagined.

The short response to this: It was.

Every visit is this overwhelming conflict of emotions. Without knowing it – or maybe she did! – Dee provided a clarity to the experience by sharing a story about Cupcake. As you all know, Dee and Cupcake will be moving shortly, and she’s had to say goodbye to some friends. She told her Mom that she’s sad, but that if she cries, it’s okay, because sadness is only one of her emotions. She’s also excited about her new house and new school. In her wise four year old words, “It’s okay to feel more than one thing at once.” I’ve been trying to commit every adorable moment of hers, just like this one, to memory…and I’m sure I’ll lose some of it, but I’m holding as tight as I can to those moments.

I hope you quickly snap out of the “shock” after you first see cupcake approaching, because I’m certain your first thought will be “Holy crap – is my girl REALLY this big???”

Okay. So Cupcake is GINORMOUS. It has been nearly a year since I’ve seen her, and while I expected her to be bigger, it’s easy to forget how many different ways a year can show itself. Her height, her vocabulary, her attitude – it was all remarkable.

I hope you and Dee have a good talk that leaves you both at peace with the past and optimistic for the future.

I think that we certainly opened the door for what this might look like. We covered a few topics that had previously been question marks. For instance, Dee and Cupcake might be coming out this way at some point and they said we would try to get together. Dee also asked me if I ever found myself traveling to the East Coast. I told her that I don’t necessarily often travel there, but that I was certainly open to it! So it sounds like me visiting them would be a possibility as well. I still think some details can (and will!) be ironed out once they get settled and options (like the skype potential) are definitely up for discussion.

I hope Cupcake says something sassy and silly that makes you shake your head and smile a big smile.

If Cupcake said one thing that was sassy and silly, she must have said a thousand! She just is sassy and silly. Of course, that could be a Mother’s-colored glasses, because I was just enchanted by it all. She was hysterical in the rain, running behind with her umbrella saying “This is ridiculous!,” as though she were just a miniature adult. She also explained to me many important details about Dora and Diego with extreme seriousness (I should note that we spent most of our visit at a bookstore with me reading to her. This was not lost by the girl that kept track of the 50+ books she read last year ;)) She decided that we should forgo reading about the Gingerbread Man in the fairy tale book, because “He gets eaten in the end, and that’s just too scary for me.” However, upon further consideration she decided, “If you’re not scared of the Gingerbread Man, I’m not scared either. I think it’s probably a good idea that we read it after all.” Whatever you say kid! 🙂

I hope you get a million and one photos (and that you share at least one on your blog, HA!)

Unfortunately, I didn’t get a million and one photos. I only got a few actually. Dee took some paparazzi style while I was reading to Cupcake though, so hopefully she’ll send me hers as well. I would have loved to take more pictures, but I was also focused on just spending the actual time with Cupcake. So I snapped a few shots, and then made a video of her talking to me a little. I love making my little Cupcake videos! I love hearing her talk and seeing how much she grows, not just physically, but in her voice, mannerisms, all of it!

OH! And I will share one on the blog – just give me a few days! (My converter cord is being difficult and doesn’t want to work today).

I hope (and don’t expect a response to this, so No, I am not fishing for ANYTHING, lol) that LB is able to show up and meet Cupcake today, at least for a little while…

LB had to leave Sunday at noon for a business trip he is on, so he wasn’t involved in this weekend’s visit. Also, I’ve never broached that subject with Dee, and she had never brought it up to me. However, at the visit, Dee asked if LB would like to meet Cupcake and said that whenever he did, she’d be completely open to it. Which was pretty rockin’ awesome. I know that sometimes parents are pretty protective about who they allow into their children’s lives, so I appreciate that she trusts my judgment and that LB is around to stay. Also, she thought it would be a good idea for me to show off to LB what I’m capable of, haha!! If future kids aren’t as awesome as Cupcake, we know it’s not my fault!!!

I hope that when you go home and dissect every bit of your afternoon (er…um…or is that just me, lol) that you can say to yourself that today is not goodbye – it’s hello to new beginnings.

At first, I was able to push through the afternoon. I had plans in the evening with my brother and was plenty distracted. But then the night comes and the house is empty and Celebrity Apprentice only distracts for so long. Oh, dissect I did! But I do know that today is not the end, but just the beginning of a new chapter. And I’m okay with that. I think that I got what I needed from today to feel comfort as we move forward. It won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it.

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19 Comments

Filed under all things adoption, cupcake

19 responses to “A Promise is a Promise

  1. Marisa

    I’m so happy to hear you had a good visit. Argh, so bittersweet!
    Now, I’ve been following your blog for years, but I don’t recall you mentioning that you had told LB about Cupcake. So… did I just miss it, or did you decide not to share that time with your readers?

    • TG

      You didn’t miss anything. I’ve had to start keeping some private things private…I’ve opened myself up too much in some areas and I’ve felt some nasty ramifications from it. Of course, this has led to quite a few people making tons of assumptions and railing against me, but it is what it is.

      I almost feel badly for not being as open anymore, but at the end of the day, I had to protect myself a little. I’m sure most folks will understand 🙂 Thanks for being such a close follower though!!

  2. I’m so glad you had a great visit and that you and Dee could talk.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  3. usisarah

    So glad your visit went well 🙂 I don’t know why I’m wondering this, but since Dee is moving farther away, do you feel more or less comfortable contacting her via phone? For some reason, I have this feeling that maybe that’s something you can try in the future. I don’t know why it would make a difference now that she’s on the other coast, but I just get this feeling that maybe Dee would be open to that.

    And I’m glad you’re leaving more personal details in your personal life where they belong. (Not that they weren’t fun to read about!) Being a complete open book has its advantages, but in a lot of ways it can be unhealthy too.

  4. This post made me tear up and smile. I’m glad you had such a wonderful visit. And this—”Also, she thought it would be a good idea for me to show off to LB what I’m capable of, haha!! If future kids aren’t as awesome as Cupcake, we know it’s not my fault!!!”—made me laugh so hard the dog looked at me like I am nuts! xoxo

  5. Tisha

    So glad to hear your visit went well. I too wasn’t sure if you had told LB about Cupcake but was glad to hear you had.

  6. I’m glad & sad for obvious reasons. I am extremely relieved to know you have LB to help you through this. All of us in blog land love you to death but a cyber hug just doesn’t have the same warmth and feeling of safety attached to it as the real deal.
    I’m glad you had a good visit and you guys seemed to set out some tentative plans for the future. I know it’s hard to see what the future holds but at least by sharing your hopes & dreams it allows both of you a better understanding of the others wants and needs.
    Bittersweet indeed.

  7. Sounds like you had a wonderful visit! Hopefully you’ll find a way to keep in touch and visit even with Cupcake across the country

  8. Jen

    I’m glad you had a great visit – the thought of Cupcake saying “This is ridiculous” while dodging rain drops is beyond hilarious!

  9. Oh, so much to love in this post! Especially this: “She just is sassy and silly. Of course, that could be a Mother’s-colored glasses, because I was just enchanted by it all.” And this, “she thought it would be a good idea for me to show off to LB what I’m capable of.” But especially this, “I do know that today is not the end, but just the beginning of a new chapter. And I’m okay with that. I think that I got what I needed from today to feel comfort as we move forward. It won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it.”

    Kinda funny for me to say, but I’m so proud of all three of you.

  10. KatjaMichelle

    I don’t really have words but I’m glad you had a visit and I just wanted you know I’m reading and thinking of you

  11. It really sounds like a terrific visit! Glad it went well!

  12. Celeste

    You haven’t told him, have you? I know you say want to keep some things private, but we are all in this with you and we are all worried about you not having told him. You have to tell him. Yes, on your terms and when you feel the time is right. But the longer you wait and the more you proceed with planning your wedding, the greater risk you run of this all coming crashing down. This is what everyone who reads this blog is holding their breath about. Out of concern for YOU.
    I wonder if you threw in the reference to him here to test the waters? I’m not sure. On the surface it’s a bit of a tease to do that. But I suspect you yourself are wondering if maybe we all forgot? We didn’t. We care very deeply and are worried for you.

    • TG

      Hi Celeste, I appreciate your concern, but like I said, I do need to keep the details of those developments between me and LB. It’s the most fair thing for him, and I admit that some of it is for self-preservation on my part. I hope reading this comments you see the answer you were looking for though 🙂

      I REALLY don’t say it to be a tease. I PROMISE I don’t forget, I get emails about it all the time. And somewhat FOR that reason I’m not sharing that whole story. But again, I do appreciate your concern and best intentions, so trust me when I say that all is well and there is no need to worry. 🙂

  13. Jen

    I’m glad your visit went well, though I can imagine the mix of feeling surrounding it. My husband and I often talk about moving closer to family, but thinking about our daughter’s first mom and her family plays a huge part in that decision for me. And I was going to ask the same question as Marisa, so thanks for clarifying. Can’t wait to see a picture or two.

  14. Trish

    I am so glad to know you had a good visit, and that you have LB’s support. I am so very glad to hear he welcomes Cupcake, and that she has a place in your family (future siblings included)

  15. susiebook

    I’m glad you managed a visit before their departure. Good luck with the long-distance thing!

  16. Raven

    TG, I am so very, very happy to hear that your visit with Cupcake and Dee went so well. Your recounting of the experience left me with tears streaming down my face…tears of joy for a comrade. The umbrella story and the gingerbread man cracked me up. Thanks for brightening my day!

    As far as keeping some things private, I’m glad you’ve realized how important it is not to bare all of your life in a public venue, such as blogland or the forums. I’ve come across some of the disparaging blog comments you’re referring to during the past week or two, and I have to admit that I got really, really upset…to the point where I didn’t add my own comments. Talk about judgmental, two-faced people. The one thing it made me realize is how I will most likely never open myself up to that sort of criticism and hatred…how I will most likely never blog about adoption, at least not in personal terms. (I might do a blog about the history of adoption, though, concentrating on the BSE and the reform movement. I’m thinking about it at least, lol…)

    Love ya, kiddo….

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