The Kind of Right I Never Want to Be

Two or three days before our wedding, we found out that Long Board’s big brother was going to be a Daddy. His wife was pregnant and they couldn’t be happier. Though Long Board and I hadn’t quite started trying to have a baby ourselves, I think we got prematurely excited about our kids having a cousin close in age. You know, our child that we’re not having yet either. But we figured if we got pregnant next year, the kids would be about a year apart.Very cool.

Of course, I had limited time to think about this too much. You know, since I was about to get married and all. I admit that I made Long Board call his brother back and find out if they had already told the family or if they were going to make the announcement during, oh, say, our wedding rehearsal. Frankly, it just wouldn’t have surprised me if that was the plan. But no, they were making the calls and all the parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. would know prior to our big day.

(This was probably one of my more Bride-zilla moments).

Once I knew that our wedding was still about our wedding, and not their baby, I was back on the celebration train. LB’s brother lives out of state, but pretty close to two of my brothers – one of which had a week old son at the time, and another brother that is expecting a son in January. Excited to visit three babies, I started planning a trip North to visit – we just had to wait until LB’s new niece or nephew made an appearance. I asked the obvious question then: When is she due?!? Mid-June.

Some quick math made me realize that this was real cutting edge news….and all of a sudden, I felt uneasy. Mid June was still eight and a half months away, and, I don’t know…..

I’ve read too many blogs to get too excited. I’ve known too many women who saw the pink lines and didn’t leave a hospital with a beautiful baby nine months later. I’ve known how cruel this part of life can be.

Long Board saw my face change and questioned it. I said it was nothing. I said I shouldn’t say anything. But he pressed on. “It’s just….I don’t know….I just don’t plan on telling anyone that early when I’m pregnant.” It took him a minute to understand, but when he did, he looked at me accusingly. “Everything is going to be fine, she’s young and healthy – I mean, she’s only 26!” “I know, I know, I shouldn’t have said anything….I just know that it can be a really delicate thing, that’s all. I’m sure everything will be fine.”

So convinced, we did plan that trip in June. We even got one of my local brothers on board who wanted in on the trip, suggesting we rent an RV and make it a road trip. We were all set.

And then yesterday I got the news that I never wanted to receive. I was the kind of “right” that I never wanted to be. I found out that our sister-in-law lost the baby. I can’t help but feel…….and I know this is crazy…….but….guilty. I know I didn’t do anything, but I don’t know why I said anything in the first place. I mean, I didn’t say it to them and I NEVER would have.

And now, here we are.

I’m at a loss…

They’ve experienced a loss….

And I really don’t know what to say or do or anything…we’re not terribly close. I’ve never called my brother or sister-in-law on the phone. I’ve never emailed them. They don’t Facebook. And they live hundreds and hundreds of miles away.

Having said that, it’s not about me. It’s not about me doing something to feel better. It’s not about me not feeling that crazy guilt that I feel…

But I just hate that they’re hurting right now.



Filed under family ties

12 responses to “The Kind of Right I Never Want to Be

  1. Mia

    Augh. That stinks. Hopefully they get good support and not too many well-intentioned but hurtful comments. The friends I’ve had who miscarried got a lot of awful things said to them by otherwise nice people who just don’t get the loss 😦

  2. If it makes you feel better, every time someone I know announces a pregnancy that early, I think the same thing. And I send up a silent hope that whoever it is doing the telling doesn’t have to un-tell later. And you know I am no stranger to pregnancy loss.

    Send them a card. Not a sympathy card, specifically – just a card to let them know you are thinking of them. Trust me, they will appreciate it. xo

    • TG

      It does a little – thanks Meghann! I did the same thing too, just sent a quick prayer/hope for them both.

      I will definitely send a card. Thank you for the suggestion – and the note that it shouldn’t be a sympathy card 🙂 I think I’ll find something nice and blank for just our message.

  3. Having lived through an early loss very early in our ttc journey, the thing that made it a tad easier was so much of our family DID know and were able to offer the support we so desperately needed. Even though you aren’t close and email/phone/text correspondence is out of the norm, it can’t hurt to let them know you guys are thinking of them. It’s truly amazing how much power a cyber hug can have.

    • TG

      Thanks for that perspective BS. We will definitely be in touch with them tonight or this weekend to just “be” there.

      (And thanks for the other thing too ;))

  4. Oh no…. I can so understand that guilt, even if you have nothing to be guilty about. When this happened with Hilary’s cousin, we sent flowers with a “we’re thinking of you” kinda card.

  5. susiebook

    I cringe a little when I see the extremely early announcements on Facebook; I just can’t imagine how awful it must be to go back and tell everyone if something awful happens. Poor your sister- and brother-in-law.

  6. usisarah

    I do the same thing TG…I didn’t ever tell people early on when I was pregnant and I always get this feeling of worry when others reveal they’re pregnant as soon as they see the pink line. I don’t know why…it’s not like it’s any of my business. Send them a card like others have said…I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

  7. I think everyone’s suggestions are great. I’d suggest marking your calendar for close to the baby’s due date. That is when I found I needed the most support and felt like everyone had forgotten us and what we were supposed to be doing that month. If someone would have sent just an I’m thinking of you that would have filled my heart to overflowing even in my sadness.

  8. After our first loss, I could not envisage telling anyone early on – it was hell having to untell people. I agree with the idea of sending a card, and I like Kelly’s suggestion of thinking of them around the due date.

  9. PortlandWalker

    Flowers are nice too – just any old day, not necessarily near the wouldhavebeen due date. Also, I’ve sent dream catchers – to “catch” a new dream. I’ve been in the same situation – only I was the one who miscarried and my new brother/sister-in-law never even called. Our relationship never got started after that point – no compassion, no connection, no caring. After having 3 miscarriages, I firmly believe in what someone else said that sharing early means people know you need the support. There is no shame in losing a baby – but its a pretty darn lonely grief until you start talking to other people and find out how many people lose babies. I’m now a very happy mom through a very open adoption – so, as you well know, families get made in many many ways. Perhaps your story will serve as a comfort and model for your in-laws if they encounter more of the unexpected on their adventure in family-making.

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