Two or three days before our wedding, we found out that Long Board’s big brother was going to be a Daddy. His wife was pregnant and they couldn’t be happier. Though Long Board and I hadn’t quite started trying to have a baby ourselves, I think we got prematurely excited about our kids having a cousin close in age. You know, our child that we’re not having yet either. But we figured if we got pregnant next year, the kids would be about a year apart.Very cool.
Of course, I had limited time to think about this too much. You know, since I was about to get married and all. I admit that I made Long Board call his brother back and find out if they had already told the family or if they were going to make the announcement during, oh, say, our wedding rehearsal. Frankly, it just wouldn’t have surprised me if that was the plan. But no, they were making the calls and all the parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. would know prior to our big day.
(This was probably one of my more Bride-zilla moments).
Once I knew that our wedding was still about our wedding, and not their baby, I was back on the celebration train. LB’s brother lives out of state, but pretty close to two of my brothers – one of which had a week old son at the time, and another brother that is expecting a son in January. Excited to visit three babies, I started planning a trip North to visit – we just had to wait until LB’s new niece or nephew made an appearance. I asked the obvious question then: When is she due?!? Mid-June.
Some quick math made me realize that this was real cutting edge news….and all of a sudden, I felt uneasy. Mid June was still eight and a half months away, and, I don’t know…..
I’ve read too many blogs to get too excited. I’ve known too many women who saw the pink lines and didn’t leave a hospital with a beautiful baby nine months later. I’ve known how cruel this part of life can be.
Long Board saw my face change and questioned it. I said it was nothing. I said I shouldn’t say anything. But he pressed on. “It’s just….I don’t know….I just don’t plan on telling anyone that early when I’m pregnant.” It took him a minute to understand, but when he did, he looked at me accusingly. “Everything is going to be fine, she’s young and healthy – I mean, she’s only 26!” “I know, I know, I shouldn’t have said anything….I just know that it can be a really delicate thing, that’s all. I’m sure everything will be fine.”
So convinced, we did plan that trip in June. We even got one of my local brothers on board who wanted in on the trip, suggesting we rent an RV and make it a road trip. We were all set.
And then yesterday I got the news that I never wanted to receive. I was the kind of “right” that I never wanted to be. I found out that our sister-in-law lost the baby. I can’t help but feel…….and I know this is crazy…….but….guilty. I know I didn’t do anything, but I don’t know why I said anything in the first place. I mean, I didn’t say it to them and I NEVER would have.
And now, here we are.
I’m at a loss…
They’ve experienced a loss….
And I really don’t know what to say or do or anything…we’re not terribly close. I’ve never called my brother or sister-in-law on the phone. I’ve never emailed them. They don’t Facebook. And they live hundreds and hundreds of miles away.
Having said that, it’s not about me. It’s not about me doing something to feel better. It’s not about me not feeling that crazy guilt that I feel…
But I just hate that they’re hurting right now.