Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting on FB, talking to a first Mom friend of mine, venting about some things that annoyed us. Things that frustrated us. Things that exhausted us. The sort of things that used to inspire posts of mine, but that I’ve shied away from recently. I was just starting to think that maybe it was time to get back into exploring the ugly thoughts, the frustrations, and the things that I just don’t “get” when a sudden urge overtook me.
I thought, why don’t I check Dee’s FB and see if there’s anything new!
Now, much like mine, her FB is on pretty tight lockdown. On her page I can see her main picture, her basic info and a very basic wall (as in, just updates to her info). It only took an instant for my eyes to hone in on what was a pretty big piece of info for me: her city had been updated just one week ago BACK to where I live!
My mind and heart raced as if in competition. Would I be seeing them again soon? Why didn’t I know? Does she not WANT me to know? What does this mean for our OA?
I stopped, shared the info with my friend, and tried to take a breath.
Next step – email another first Mom friend of mine that I haven’t kept up with as much as I’d like – who is always good with advice and perspective.
Next step – dwell. Overthink. Ponder.
I wrestled myself back and forth from, WHY wouldn’t she email me to let me know that she’s moving back??? to She must be so busy, I should just sit it out and wait and then back again.I took myself on my own emotional roller coaster that I created in my head. Then, I took it to the boards. Asked some forum folk to see what came back.
Verdict: I have no clue.
In any given moment you might find me excited, scared, joyful, hurt, happy, angry, confused and probably a bunch of other emotions that I can’t even identify right now in my frazzled state. And I don’t think I have to choose between those – I can feel all of them somehow. They’re all true to the experience, though I wish I could simplify it.
But for now, I wait. I wait until I can be in a place to clearly figure out my next step. Do I email Dee out of the blue as though I don’t “know” this information? Do I give Dee her space and wish on shooting stars that she calls me? Do I potentially creep her out and say, “Hey, did you know I check for you on FB sometimes?? Guess what I found out??”
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
So today, I work. Tonight, I think. Maybe tomorrow, I do.