Category Archives: blah

New Year, New Surprise

Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting on FB, talking to a first Mom friend of mine, venting about some things that annoyed us. Things that frustrated us. Things that exhausted us. The sort of things that used to inspire posts of mine, but that I’ve shied away from recently. I was just starting to think that maybe it was time to get back into exploring the ugly thoughts, the frustrations, and the things that I just don’t “get” when a sudden urge overtook me.

I thought, why don’t I check Dee’s FB and see if there’s anything new!

Now, much like mine, her FB is on pretty tight lockdown. On her page I can see her main picture, her basic info and a very basic wall (as in, just updates to her info). It only took an instant for my eyes to hone in on what was a pretty big piece of info for me: her city had been updated just one week ago BACK to where I live!

My mind and heart raced as if in competition. Would I be seeing them again soon? Why didn’t I know? Does she not WANT me to know? What does this mean for our OA?

I stopped, shared the info with my friend, and tried to take a breath.

Next step – email another first Mom friend of mine that I haven’t kept up with as much as I’d like – who is always good with advice and perspective.

Next step – dwell. Overthink. Ponder.

I wrestled myself back and forth from, WHY wouldn’t she email me to let me know that she’s moving back??? to She must be so busy, I should just sit it out and wait and then back again.I took myself on my own emotional roller coaster that I created in my head. Then, I took it to the boards. Asked some forum folk to see what came back.

Verdict: I have no clue.

In any given moment you might find me excited, scared, joyful, hurt, happy, angry, confused and probably a bunch of other emotions that I can’t even identify right now in my frazzled state. And I don’t think I have to choose between those – I can feel all of them somehow. They’re all true to the experience, though I wish I could simplify it.

But for now, I wait. I wait until I can be in a place to clearly figure out my next step. Do I email Dee out of the blue as though I don’t “know” this information? Do I give Dee her space and wish on shooting stars that she calls me? Do I potentially creep her out and say, “Hey, did you know I check for you on FB sometimes?? Guess what I found out??”

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So today, I work. Tonight, I think. Maybe tomorrow, I do.

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Filed under all things adoption, blah, cupcake, friends in cyberland, me and Dee

‘Tis the Season to Be Crazy

Now that my event season at work is “over” (and won’t ramp up again until, oh, January) things should be more relaxed. Less crazy. Less stressful.

And then you realize that you’re eighteen days away from Christmas and the next weekend you’ll have to yourselves is in mid-January. Until then it’s bells and merriment, carols and cocktails, and family, family, family.

This weekend Long Board’s family comes together once again for his sister’s graduation. (Another post for another day). Friday, his Dad and step Mom will arrive and stay with us through the weekend. In our home. With one bathroom and squeaky floors. To say I’m nervous would be an understatement. Saturday we’ll see the whole gang: Mom, Grandma, the other grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.

Let the overwhelming begin!

I’m still trying to find a way to feel like I fit in with his family….so far, I’m failing. I tried over Thanksgiving at the grandparents, but I just felt so out of place. Like no one talks to me. I swear I spent half the weekend curled up on the couch reading while no one noticed I existed. I halfway rather enjoyed that outcome – at least I could relax. But it halfway pissed me off…(I’m telling you, sometimes they just can’t win with me…I’m horrible that way. At least I know it!)

So this weekend I get another crack at it!

Will I freak LB’s Mom out as I tell her that I’m fascinated by Alcatraz? Will she subsequently give me the third degree about why and how I could possibly be interested in something like that?

Will I do something to highlight how I’m a total “city girl” – which is code for flighty and not serious. (LB’s grandmother still claims that she didn’t have high hopes for her son’s marriage to LB’s Mom based on the fact that Mom grew up in the city and didn’t know how to build her own irrigation system. A sure sign that she wasn’t serious).

Will I get caught in a VERY competitive board game in which there are no friends, only enemies?

Will I go hide in a hallway while someone engages in awkward and inappropriate family confrontations about (a) money, (b) weight loss, or (c) bad habits?

(PS all of these things have happened at least once)

Or will it all go completely smoothly and comfortably?

Who wants to bet I wish that I just got to read all weekend???

 

 

 

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Filed under blah, brutal honesty, family ties, life with long board

Well That Probably Explains It…..

I’ve been kind of a mega bitch this week. I just feel gross and icky and unsettled. I can’t sleep. Work has been more of a challenge than usual, and I feel like I’m letting balls drop. I am in a funk. Things are just not going well. Long Board and I are good – but a bit strained now and then.

So today at work, I was processing an invoice when I realized it was November 22.

And that Cupcake’s birthday is November 23.

Ahhhh. Now it makes some sense. Of course, I KNEW that her birthday was the 23rd, I suppose I just forgot that the 23rd was already here…..

And she’s FIVE. Five.

Sometimes I just can’t believe how we got here….

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Filed under all things adoption, blah, cupcake, short and sweet

Oh NO He Didn’t!

This weekend was many important things: a big National event at my work, the release of Tw!l!ght: Break!ng Dawn; Part One, the USC upset over Oregon (WOOHOO!!!) and my baby sisters birthday.

I celebrated most of these events without a hitch.

While it rained a bit through our remembrance ceremony for work, it was a beautiful event and there were no snafus.

While we had to reschedule what time we were going to see my guilty pleasure movie a few times, we eventually settled into our seats at a 10:00am showing on Sunday morning and enjoyed every minute of it.

And there are no caveats to my enjoyment of the USC game. I was braced for a bitter loss but was thrilled beyond compare. It was a good day.

My sister’s birthday on the other hand? Okay, it was actually fine. Great even. We had a not so painful lunch with my parents, a trip to Target (always a pleasure), a successful Costco run, and, of course, that epic football game. So what tainted the day just a wee bit?

F@cebook.

How cliche, right?

But hear me out for just one second.

Why in the world was the FIRST PERSON that wished my Baby Sister a Happy Birthday on FB, none other than……

CUPCAKE’S BIRTH FATHER.

Are you freaking kidding me???? I have heard from you ONCE since April 2006 (if you do the math, you’ll note that’s six months before Cupcake was born) and that was when you sent me some strange request to drive to Vegas together for the weekend. Over Easter. When we hadn’t talked in two years. What is your problem sir?

Oh, and it’s not like he and my sister are friends. Yes, they’re “friends” on FB, but actual friends? No. He doesn’t talk to her either. Which is probably why she called me and said, “You will NEVER guess who was the first person to write on my wall this morning.” “If I’ll never guess, just tell me.” “Loser (name redacted for privacy) – isn’t that SO FREAKING WEIRD?”

Yes, Baby Sister. Yes, it is.

Can I get a ninja?

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Filed under a little bit adoption, blah, drama in cyberland, face slapping ninja, things that make my brain hurt

Regrets

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about regret recently.

Mostly about how people say that they don’t have any regrets, because everything is a lesson learned or everything happens for a reason (or some such pretty little way to wrap things up).

And honestly? I kind of think it’s phooey.

How do you really go through your whole life without any kind of regret?

I think I first got super annoyed (and a little obsessed with this topic) when I watched an interview that Vienna (a la The Bachelor “fame”) talking about how she did not regret being on The Bachelor.  Now that’s all good and well. Enjoy your time on reality television, who am I to tell you what you should place value on in your life. But when she went on to say that she doesn’t regret anything she’s ever done in her life? I just can’t buy it!

Haven’t we all bought a dress that stayed in our closet, with the tags on, that we never wore yet constantly found ourselves asking, “Why did I buy that again???”

Haven’t we all gorged on a little too much food and thought, “Why, oh why, did I have that last scoop of peach cobbler??” (Okay, that was me at my department potluck today – so insert your own last scoop/slice/piece choice ;))

Haven’t we all had a haircut we wish we never got? (I know Long Board sure does!)

Are those huge life altering regrets? Probably not. But hey, never say never then!

As I looked up the definition of regret, to see if people were just being too uptight and restrictive, I was caught by one of the definitions of the transitive verb:

: to be very sorry for <regrets his mistakes>
Now this one REALLY got me thinking…..
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To be honest? I think the world could probably use a lot more of this kind of regret!
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To be even more honest? I think the adoption community could as well – and I don’t just mean that for one side of the triad either. There are things that have occurred in our adoption that I absolutely regret. That I 100% am very sorry for. I promised Dee a picture of Cupcake’s Dad for a long time before I was really ready to provide that kind of information. I didn’t want to say no to her because I was afraid of the repercussions, but at the same time, I didn’t totally plan on following through. I would write it off in emails that I couldn’t get to our pictures because they were packed away (true, but still). The truth was that I just wasn’t ready. In time, I told Dee the truth. We had a good conversation about it. All was well. But I regret not being more upfront at the start. I regret feeling like I couldn’t be open and honest.
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There, I said it. I regret.
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I hope that others do to…
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I kind of hope that people are regretful when they break promises and close adoptions. I kind of hope that people are regretful when they lie, or stretch the truth. I sort of hope that people are regretful when they speak poorly and unfairly of their children’s first/adoptive parents. I hope that adoptive parents regret using unethical agencies and I hope that first Mom’s regret not disclosing the names of the biological fathers.
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I think these are all things for which we should feel very sorry for.
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Does this mean that we need to wallow in regret? That we need to beat ourselves up about every decision we’ve ever made until the end of time? Of course not! But I think a modest amount of regret might not be so unhealthy after all. You can still learn from the experience, you can still grow from the experience, but that doesn’t have to take away the element of regretting that it ever had to happen in the first place.
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And perhaps we can even learn and grow a little more, by just being able to admit to at least the teensiest bit of regret.

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Filed under a little bit adoption, blah, brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG

The Argument We’re Not Supposed to Make…

Sometimes I feel like I’m just slamming my head against a wall trying to get some people (okay, mostly adoptive parents – I just hate sounding like I’m picking on one side of the triad, especially when this is NOT to be generalized to mean “all adoptive parents”) to understand the first Mother experience. To understand why some first Mom’s don’t like the term birthmom. To understand the emotions of placing a child. To understand that feelings don’t just shut off with the signing of TPR or some arbitrary timeline elapsing.

Yet I keep coming up short. I keep failing to find the words that give someone their every own lightbulb moment. Despite all of my efforts, I fail.

Repeatedly.

At some point in this masochistic experience, a tiny little thought creeps into my head. I want to say it, but I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to offend. I don’t want to give the low blow. But….maybe, just maybe, there’s something there?

So I’ll hold my breath, squint my eyes shut and prepare myself for the retaliation that might follow…..

Could it be that some people just truly don’t understand because they’ve never carried a child and given birth?

Now that I’ve said it I feel like a total shit again!

I don’t know where else to say these things though….I’d love to be able to have a civil conversation about a topic like this, but I fear that opportunity will never come. It’s just too hot button a topic for me to believe that I could say that publicly and not be completely blasted for it.

I don’t know….I mean, my sister-in-laws get to throw around the fact that I’m not parenting to prove how I don’t understand raising children. I can’t possibly wrap my head around discipline because that’s not something I live with day to day. And it’s not my place to give any kind of feedback, advice, or hell, to even have an opinion to some extent.

So maybe something there goes both ways? Can you truly understand what that must be like? I don’t know….I think some people can….but maybe others can’t? I’m the first to admit that my life changed dramatically after giving birth. In ways that have little to nothing to do with placement. The physical act of carrying another person for nine months, of bringing them into the world, it changed me in more ways than I can articulate.

Just as parenting a child must change you, so too does pregnancy, labor, delivery.

I’m reminded often that I’m not parenting. I get it. I’ve never once felt the need to remind someone else that they were never pregnant. It’s a cruel reminder for too many, and one that I’ve never felt a desire to provide.

That’s not the point.

It’s not about hurting someone else, it’s about understanding our perspectives. Including all of our experiences that got us to where we are.

I’ve never experienced the struggle of trying to get pregnant. I’ve never experienced the heartbreak of losing a child to miscarriage. I try to be there for my friends that have. I want to understand them and be there for them in whatever way it is that they need – and understand that it’s not the same way for every person. But at the end of the day, I can’t understand their experience the way someone else that’s lived it has.

I think that many of us try to understand each other. I think some of us find it so hard to understand that even trying is a struggle. We debate and argue and fight and try to make square pegs fit into round holes. But they don’t. We all need to stop trying to make others lived experiences fit into our preconceptions about what we think there experience should be. We need to understand that my experience is not your experience (and it isn’t necessarily your kid’s first Mom’s experience either!), and vice versa.

Maybe that’s something we just need to accept….

Maybe at some point we need to stop trying so hard to understand someone else’s experience, to make it fit into that box, but rather just accept it.

Lord, I think this community could benefit from a whole lot more acceptance….

And as usual, I’ve veered wildly off course. What started as a desire to have an open and honest and not violent conversation about the unique experience of pregnancy and birth turned into a big picture about acceptance. I think both are important, but as I mentioned before, I fear we’re along ways away from being able to have either.

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Filed under all things adoption, blah, brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG, drama in cyberland, totally taboo

A Birthday and a Beach House

Today is Long Board’s birthday. (Yay!) My favorite part about his birthday? He’ll be the same age as me again. There are three  and a half glorious months of the year where we’re the same age. It’s my favorite time of the year, haha! Not coincidentally, we will be getting married during this stretch. To get specific – it’s three months from today!

Yowsa.

I’m torn between being completely stressed out and completely excited.

But there’s three months for that. So today. Today I go to work. And then I come home, get our things together, and get in the car to drive up to LB’s family’s beach house. It sounds lovely. But there’s always a “but.” As I’ve mentioned before, I just don’t get along that great with LB’s family. And they’ll be there. His grandparents, sister and her husband. And us. (And Thomàs).

I’m just so….apprehensive. I mean, I would like to go into this with a “hope for the best” mentality, but I just….can’t. I don’t know. I’ve probably got the wrong attitude about this.

And that’s not fair.

Part of it is also that we were supposed to have a relaxing weekend coming up at the cabin. I just found out that our “relaxing cabin weekend” will also be attended by the grandparents, the sister and her husband, an uncle and his two very outrageous children. LB claims it will still be relaxing, I say we need to adjust our expectations for the weekend.

I wish I was as good as LB is. I wish I could just blend into his family. The mean part of me wants to believe that he blends into my family so well not just because he’s a good guy, but because my family is so wonderfully awesome and normal. (LORD knows we are not normal). That same mean part wants me to not have to take responsibility for the ways that I don’t fit into his family. It’s not me being resistant! It’s them!

Who knows how true any of that is?

But true or not, I feel apprehensive about today. Less than thrilled. And I want to put on a happy face and be up to celebrating. I just don’t know….

 

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Filed under adoption free friday, blah, brutal honesty, family ties, life with long board