Category Archives: cupcake

New Year, New Surprise

Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting on FB, talking to a first Mom friend of mine, venting about some things that annoyed us. Things that frustrated us. Things that exhausted us. The sort of things that used to inspire posts of mine, but that I’ve shied away from recently. I was just starting to think that maybe it was time to get back into exploring the ugly thoughts, the frustrations, and the things that I just don’t “get” when a sudden urge overtook me.

I thought, why don’t I check Dee’s FB and see if there’s anything new!

Now, much like mine, her FB is on pretty tight lockdown. On her page I can see her main picture, her basic info and a very basic wall (as in, just updates to her info). It only took an instant for my eyes to hone in on what was a pretty big piece of info for me: her city had been updated just one week ago BACK to where I live!

My mind and heart raced as if in competition. Would I be seeing them again soon? Why didn’t I know? Does she not WANT me to know? What does this mean for our OA?

I stopped, shared the info with my friend, and tried to take a breath.

Next step – email another first Mom friend of mine that I haven’t kept up with as much as I’d like – who is always good with advice and perspective.

Next step – dwell. Overthink. Ponder.

I wrestled myself back and forth from, WHY wouldn’t she email me to let me know that she’s moving back??? to She must be so busy, I should just sit it out and wait and then back again.I took myself on my own emotional roller coaster that I created in my head. Then, I took it to the boards. Asked some forum folk to see what came back.

Verdict: I have no clue.

In any given moment you might find me excited, scared, joyful, hurt, happy, angry, confused and probably a bunch of other emotions that I can’t even identify right now in my frazzled state. And I don’t think I have to choose between those – I can feel all of them somehow. They’re all true to the experience, though I wish I could simplify it.

But for now, I wait. I wait until I can be in a place to clearly figure out my next step. Do I email Dee out of the blue as though I don’t “know” this information? Do I give Dee her space and wish on shooting stars that she calls me? Do I potentially creep her out and say, “Hey, did you know I check for you on FB sometimes?? Guess what I found out??”

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So today, I work. Tonight, I think. Maybe tomorrow, I do.

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Filed under all things adoption, blah, cupcake, friends in cyberland, me and Dee

Well That Probably Explains It…..

I’ve been kind of a mega bitch this week. I just feel gross and icky and unsettled. I can’t sleep. Work has been more of a challenge than usual, and I feel like I’m letting balls drop. I am in a funk. Things are just not going well. Long Board and I are good – but a bit strained now and then.

So today at work, I was processing an invoice when I realized it was November 22.

And that Cupcake’s birthday is November 23.

Ahhhh. Now it makes some sense. Of course, I KNEW that her birthday was the 23rd, I suppose I just forgot that the 23rd was already here…..

And she’s FIVE. Five.

Sometimes I just can’t believe how we got here….

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Red, White and Blue

A post that’s a bit delayed in theme….but up to date on events…

RED.

I’ve got to be honest – 4th of July weekend had me seeing red a few times. While LB moving up and into our home full time is overall a joyous occasion, the actually moving process is anything but. After LB has told me over and over and over again how I/we have too much stuff, I was in no mood to watch him parade in all of his extra things. Yes, I’ve got a lot of things. Like shoes. Probably too many pairs, but they’re shoes! How much space to they really take up??? Most of them are organized quite neatly in storage under the bed! And yes, I’ve got a lot of clothes, but they all fit in my last place fine!

The big issue is that we have this sweet little house that we LOVE that has absolutely NO storage space. One closet that is about half of what I had before. So LB has clothes in our linen closet because, well, we have very few linens! We even bought a clothing rack because we were so desperate for more hanging space.

But the STUFF! Two bicycles, two snowboards, skis, three surfboards, and countless camping gear….it adds up really quickly. It’s no comparison to my modest box of scrapbooking supplies or my knitting needles.

So when we spent the hottest day of the year so far organizing all of our stuff, I think I just about lost it. I was hot, sweaty, and the sweet little house that I had just gotten to look organized looked like a total shit-storm. Again.

Oh, and coincidentally? This was our anniversary.

Give me a break!

Then this last weekend we drove up to his grandparents beach house to pick up – more stuff! Oy. But it’s okay. He’s home right now managing the mess and getting organized so that when I get home tonight I won’t lose my mind. He’s a good boy 🙂

WHITE.

I got an email with a picture of a sweet little girl last week. It was Cupcake. She’s getting so incredibly big and she’s hardly a little girl anymore. Her Mom gave her a bob (tear!) and I felt that pang of irrational thought that says, But she should have long hair!!! Because in my mind, my daughter will have long hair….and Cupcake’s my daughter….but…..I suppose not really. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I should have a say in Cupcake’s hair length. But I can still have feelings about it.

But anyway, it was a sweet email and Dee said that they’d be thinking about me in October as I get married. I’d love for them to be there, but it doesn’t look like they’ll be traveling out here anytime soon. (Honeymoon on the East Coast anyone?? Not this year….)

As usual, I yearn for more stories, more information, and more pictures. Until then, I’ll hold tight to this one picture and marvel at this perfect little girl.

BLUE.

I didn’t post this last week, because I wasn’t really blue about anything. I was more red. More angry. And I had this perfect little child that was innocence and angelic and I was feeling hope and all things white and sparkly. But no blue. I quickly realized I’d rather have no blue in my life than have something to write about just to make some stupid 4th of July theme post.

Unfortunately, the world thought I could use a little “blue.”

Yesterday, my sweet, wonderful, lovely dog had to be put down. He was a rescue dog, as in I literally rescued him from an abusive home. He used to be tied to a door in a garage by a rope. He’d be hit and kicked by the children of the home. Somehow, he found a way to run away. A neighbor caught him, but didn’t know what to do. She reluctantly gave him back. He broke out again, this time when the neighbors sister was over. She said that there was no way that she was going to let him go back to that home. Our dog then went on an underground railroad type of adventure until he landed on my doorstep. I took him in, fed him, and loved him from the start.

He was a great dog. His little doggy brother will miss him very much. As will the rest of us. I’m glad he’s not in pain any longer, but man, losing your dog sucks. I found out last night while driving home from the beach with LB and Thomàs…I held my kitty closer and grieved the loss of our dog, while wondering why I ever got another animal, just to go through it all over again.

So there you go – angry, happy and sad. It’s a wonder we don’t explode from all the feelings that we can have at once!

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Filed under a little bit adoption, cupcake, deep thoughts with TG, life with long board, me and Dee

A Promise is a Promise

Yes, at 9:40-something, I’m coming in a little under the wire. Apologies to time zones that are getting this after midnight, but I didn’t say what time zones would get this “today!” So for those folks – good morning! And for my West Coasters or those with insomnia: you got your fix, now go to bed! 😉

On the day of our visit, I got an email from a good friend. In it, she shared her hopes for our visit, and in many ways, hopes for the future. In that process, she put down hopes that either I couldn’t articulate, or ones that I was afraid to. In doing so, she opened me up to thinking about those hopes. In reading the email, her hopes so clearly outlined all the things that I wanted to share, felt compelled to share, that I immediately asked her if I could use those hopes as the jumping off point for my visit recap. She graciously accepted, so I owe any clarity that has come to me to her. So thank you. You know who you are!

I hope this afternoon is memorable, wonderful, joyous (even in its sadness) and everything you’d imagined.

The short response to this: It was.

Every visit is this overwhelming conflict of emotions. Without knowing it – or maybe she did! – Dee provided a clarity to the experience by sharing a story about Cupcake. As you all know, Dee and Cupcake will be moving shortly, and she’s had to say goodbye to some friends. She told her Mom that she’s sad, but that if she cries, it’s okay, because sadness is only one of her emotions. She’s also excited about her new house and new school. In her wise four year old words, “It’s okay to feel more than one thing at once.” I’ve been trying to commit every adorable moment of hers, just like this one, to memory…and I’m sure I’ll lose some of it, but I’m holding as tight as I can to those moments.

I hope you quickly snap out of the “shock” after you first see cupcake approaching, because I’m certain your first thought will be “Holy crap – is my girl REALLY this big???”

Okay. So Cupcake is GINORMOUS. It has been nearly a year since I’ve seen her, and while I expected her to be bigger, it’s easy to forget how many different ways a year can show itself. Her height, her vocabulary, her attitude – it was all remarkable.

I hope you and Dee have a good talk that leaves you both at peace with the past and optimistic for the future.

I think that we certainly opened the door for what this might look like. We covered a few topics that had previously been question marks. For instance, Dee and Cupcake might be coming out this way at some point and they said we would try to get together. Dee also asked me if I ever found myself traveling to the East Coast. I told her that I don’t necessarily often travel there, but that I was certainly open to it! So it sounds like me visiting them would be a possibility as well. I still think some details can (and will!) be ironed out once they get settled and options (like the skype potential) are definitely up for discussion.

I hope Cupcake says something sassy and silly that makes you shake your head and smile a big smile.

If Cupcake said one thing that was sassy and silly, she must have said a thousand! She just is sassy and silly. Of course, that could be a Mother’s-colored glasses, because I was just enchanted by it all. She was hysterical in the rain, running behind with her umbrella saying “This is ridiculous!,” as though she were just a miniature adult. She also explained to me many important details about Dora and Diego with extreme seriousness (I should note that we spent most of our visit at a bookstore with me reading to her. This was not lost by the girl that kept track of the 50+ books she read last year ;)) She decided that we should forgo reading about the Gingerbread Man in the fairy tale book, because “He gets eaten in the end, and that’s just too scary for me.” However, upon further consideration she decided, “If you’re not scared of the Gingerbread Man, I’m not scared either. I think it’s probably a good idea that we read it after all.” Whatever you say kid! 🙂

I hope you get a million and one photos (and that you share at least one on your blog, HA!)

Unfortunately, I didn’t get a million and one photos. I only got a few actually. Dee took some paparazzi style while I was reading to Cupcake though, so hopefully she’ll send me hers as well. I would have loved to take more pictures, but I was also focused on just spending the actual time with Cupcake. So I snapped a few shots, and then made a video of her talking to me a little. I love making my little Cupcake videos! I love hearing her talk and seeing how much she grows, not just physically, but in her voice, mannerisms, all of it!

OH! And I will share one on the blog – just give me a few days! (My converter cord is being difficult and doesn’t want to work today).

I hope (and don’t expect a response to this, so No, I am not fishing for ANYTHING, lol) that LB is able to show up and meet Cupcake today, at least for a little while…

LB had to leave Sunday at noon for a business trip he is on, so he wasn’t involved in this weekend’s visit. Also, I’ve never broached that subject with Dee, and she had never brought it up to me. However, at the visit, Dee asked if LB would like to meet Cupcake and said that whenever he did, she’d be completely open to it. Which was pretty rockin’ awesome. I know that sometimes parents are pretty protective about who they allow into their children’s lives, so I appreciate that she trusts my judgment and that LB is around to stay. Also, she thought it would be a good idea for me to show off to LB what I’m capable of, haha!! If future kids aren’t as awesome as Cupcake, we know it’s not my fault!!!

I hope that when you go home and dissect every bit of your afternoon (er…um…or is that just me, lol) that you can say to yourself that today is not goodbye – it’s hello to new beginnings.

At first, I was able to push through the afternoon. I had plans in the evening with my brother and was plenty distracted. But then the night comes and the house is empty and Celebrity Apprentice only distracts for so long. Oh, dissect I did! But I do know that today is not the end, but just the beginning of a new chapter. And I’m okay with that. I think that I got what I needed from today to feel comfort as we move forward. It won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it.

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An Update

It is with great pleasure that I share this update: I will be visiting with Dee and Cupcake this Sunday. We have a fun afternoon at an outdoor mall type place planned and I am very glad and relieved that we were able to work it into our busy schedules.

Very glad.

VERY relieved.

We will take our pictures, we will hang out, I will give her a little something (I have NO idea what yet, so if you have the perfect gift that says “this-is-from-your-first-Mom-that-lives-across-the-country-but-things-of-you-all-the-time-and-loves-you-and-hopes-to-visit-you-soon” that would be great!)

I still don’t feel like everything is resolved with regards to what I think the future looks like, but the incredibly time sensitive issue of a visit before they move has been taken care of.

I’d write more, but I’m pretty sure this is enough to satiate most people for today. 🙂

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One Month and Five Days Later

It was one month and five days after I received an email from Dee saying that she had to run but would send a follow-up email with updates that I got the email I was hoping for. Only, based on the contents, the email was decidedly not what I was hoping for.

At the end of this month, Dee and Cupcake will be moving across the country.

This wasn’t the first I had heard of this plan. Back when I heard about it as a possibility, nearly a year ago, it what only one of many potential outcomes. Apparently, now it’s THE outcome.

And that’s okay. That’s what is going to be best for them as a family. They’re moving to where Dee is from, where her family is, where there will be a larger, stronger support system for them both.

But I can’t help but be sad. Hurt.

Devastated.

There was always this tiny piece of me that had fantasies of one day sitting in the back of a crowded auditorium watching while Cupcake said her one line from the stage, dressed as an ear of corn. I pictured a birthday where I wouldn’t just be sending a card, but I’d be carrying in a hand wrapped present to be placed with the others, being a part of the experience. I dreamt of a day where Dee would understand that no one but me could be as amazed that our little girl would be graduating high school, going to prom, leaving for college.

All of that slipped out of my reach yesterday.

Today, I try to find the time for us to have a visit. My mind races to something meaningful, a full day where even a four year old could create memories that could last her a lifetime. We would take the pictures that could fill in the gaps of her memory and I would leave her with something special to remember me by no matter how many states separated us.

I’m not sure how much those plans jive with what Dee had in mind. Dee offered to bring her by on my lunch break as Cupcake is done with pre-school. Perhaps it was a genuine offer to accommodate my schedule, whatever that may be. But I can’t have the last memory of my daughter be a hug on the asphalt of my parking lot as I prepare to go back into my office, where I’ll need to find a way to compose myself for the remainder of the work day.

I quickly do the math on how long it usually takes us to plan a visit and compare that to the time frame we’re trying to work with currently. The result is concerning. I know I will do what I always do. Move things around, shift commitments, cancel other plans. I’m happy to do it, but irritated that I have no other choice.

I’ve heard all of the reasons that Dee may have waited this long to tell me: She didn’t want to hurt me. She was scared of my response. She’s stressed out that she thinks I won’t approve of how she’s rasing Cupcake. She’s stressed abut packing. She’s stressed about moving. She figured I basically already knew since she told me it was a possibility. She hates goodbye’s and wants to avoid a long dragged out multiple visit departure. She has just been too darn busy.

To some extent, I understand those. (Some, if I’m being completely honest, I think are better excuses than reasons, but I still sort of understand).

But at the end of the day, I think those are not reasons to delay something this important. They’re things that need to be worked through. But they weren’t worked through, and now….well, we are where we are.

Which at least for today is in the same state.

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Once Upon a February…

Once upon a February, an optimistic gal with nothing to lose wrote an email to her daughter’s Mom. Normally, these emails were written with grave seriousness. Hours were spent analyzing words, sentences, content. But on this February day she wasn’t too worried about the words or the sentences or the content. She just wanted to drop a quick note about what was on her mind – free of over analysis. And so she did.

Quickly, she returned to her work, taking a brief break to brag to her friends about her success as a spontaneous emailer. Before she could finish sharing the good news, she saw the beautiful, bolded (1) letting her know she’d received a new email. Assuming it was junk, and email from her Mom, or a Face.book notification, she casually went to her inbox with no real expectations.

She was taken aback when she realized that the thing for which she’d been dreaming and hoping for so long had just happened! There before her was a timely response to her email! She opened it to find pictures of her daughter and a brief response with the promise of more updates “soon.”

Well, that optimistic gal turned right back around and now shared the even better news! She showed off the picture to a couple prized friends. She shared her excitement at a speedy response. She began to believe that maybe people and circumstances did change! This feeling held her over and kept her flying high as time passed at a seemingly faster pace.

And then one day, that optimistic gal realized – holy cow! It’s March.

***********

Well, I’m sure y’all have figured out by this point that the optimistic gal in this story? She’s me. And it’s March. And my last contact was on February 3.

I’m mostly okay with it. It is what it is. I’ve largely given up the hope or that it will be different and have stopped making attempts to make it so. Now, I’m at the point where I more just feel like a fool for thinking that it might be different. But I’m strangely at peace with what’s happening. We’ve got our dysfunctional little groove going and if nothing else, I do believe that it’s not me.

At the end of the day, I do not like that Cupcake is impacted by this routine though. I do wonder how this will manifest in other ways. I have an amazingly wonderful and caring Mom who could not love me more. But she was a bit of a flakester in her day. Oh the memories I have from those times…Getting things from her sometimes is still like pulling teeth. And I know it’s not because she doesn’t care, but because things just get off of her radar. (Like me recently asking her repeatedly for a few addresses so that I can thank people that came to the engagement party!) She get’s sidetracked. That’s just how Mom is. And I wholeheartedly think that Dee is similar.

And the truth is? I’m not THAT far off. I’m a big time procrastinator with some things. And I’m pretty damn good at avoiding things I don’t want to deal with (see: directly addressing issues with Dee). So please know that I’m not only looking outward to criticize faults in our communication. I’m absolutely looking inward and recognizing where my responsibilities lie as well!

But I hope – oh how I hope – that when Cupcake is old enough to voice her opinion, that her Mom will be more up on the follow-through should she express a desire to see me. I’m not naïve enough to think that Cupcake’s input in this can’t go both ways. I fully understand that she might express a desire to not see me. But at this point, I’m willing to take that gamble. Her Mom is not the proactive Mom that’s going to make sure that we have a relationship no matter what. And so right now it falls on the shoulders of me and a four year old. But sooner than I realize, that four year old is going to be fourteen. And I hope by that point her Mom and I can put our flakiness and procrastination aside and find a better, more effective way to communicate, for the good of our daughter.

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