Category Archives: life with long board

An Alternate Reality

Long Board and I like to play this little game where we figure out where we would have met each other had we not met the night that we did. What if his birthday party took him to another bar? What if my friend Husky didn’t get the new job that we were out celebrating?

Long Board lived an hour and a half away, so the game had a bit of a challenge to it.

If we hadn’t met that night perhaps we’d have met at the volleyball tournament we went to on our second date? I would have gone with friends anyway, and he likely would have come up to attend as well.

Perhaps we would have met at one of our favorite haunts, the Underground playing shuffleboard or darts…

But what if LB hadn’t gone to grad school? Well, he’d be living in the same city as me, so we could have met at the pier, at the bars, at the library – a million different places that we both frequented, just never at the same time.

What if I HAD gone to get my PhD? Ironically it’s one of the places that LB considered getting HIS PhD…maybe fate would have changed both of our paths…

Where do our lives, passions, habits intersect? At a baseball game? At a concert? Do we have a fried with a friend of a friend that would have eventually connected us both? We found comfort as we imagined these paths that would inevitably lead us to each other.

But there’s always one scenario that I can’t account for: if I had parented Cupcake.

I wouldn’t have moved to the city where we met.

I wouldn’t have been going to those bars, those restaurants, that library.

I can’t find the place that Long Board would be where he’d meet, and be open to dating, a single Mom.

It’s a weird thing to navigate….I can’t imagine my life without Long Board. I’m so stupidly happy that he’s here that I feel like an idiot to just talk about it. But I have to find a way to feel like I don’t have him JUST because I placed Cupcake. I’m having a really hard time reconciling this idea that I got to have one or the other in my life like this.

So I find myself searching for that way we would have met, where he would have loved us both, and where life would look so different, but be an even better kind of wonderful.

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Filed under a little bit adoption, life with long board

‘Tis the Season to Be Crazy

Now that my event season at work is “over” (and won’t ramp up again until, oh, January) things should be more relaxed. Less crazy. Less stressful.

And then you realize that you’re eighteen days away from Christmas and the next weekend you’ll have to yourselves is in mid-January. Until then it’s bells and merriment, carols and cocktails, and family, family, family.

This weekend Long Board’s family comes together once again for his sister’s graduation. (Another post for another day). Friday, his Dad and step Mom will arrive and stay with us through the weekend. In our home. With one bathroom and squeaky floors. To say I’m nervous would be an understatement. Saturday we’ll see the whole gang: Mom, Grandma, the other grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.

Let the overwhelming begin!

I’m still trying to find a way to feel like I fit in with his family….so far, I’m failing. I tried over Thanksgiving at the grandparents, but I just felt so out of place. Like no one talks to me. I swear I spent half the weekend curled up on the couch reading while no one noticed I existed. I halfway rather enjoyed that outcome – at least I could relax. But it halfway pissed me off…(I’m telling you, sometimes they just can’t win with me…I’m horrible that way. At least I know it!)

So this weekend I get another crack at it!

Will I freak LB’s Mom out as I tell her that I’m fascinated by Alcatraz? Will she subsequently give me the third degree about why and how I could possibly be interested in something like that?

Will I do something to highlight how I’m a total “city girl” – which is code for flighty and not serious. (LB’s grandmother still claims that she didn’t have high hopes for her son’s marriage to LB’s Mom based on the fact that Mom grew up in the city and didn’t know how to build her own irrigation system. A sure sign that she wasn’t serious).

Will I get caught in a VERY competitive board game in which there are no friends, only enemies?

Will I go hide in a hallway while someone engages in awkward and inappropriate family confrontations about (a) money, (b) weight loss, or (c) bad habits?

(PS all of these things have happened at least once)

Or will it all go completely smoothly and comfortably?

Who wants to bet I wish that I just got to read all weekend???

 

 

 

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Filed under blah, brutal honesty, family ties, life with long board

Not Sure I Can Do This Anymore…..

I wrote this last week. For some reason I didn’t publish it….I thought about tossing it, because I feel a little bit better today. Then I remembered that’s because I’m doing one of my favorite parts of the job: I’m in Houston, getting ready for one of our events tomorrow. While the travel can be draining, the thrill of the event is wonderful. The sense of accomplishment is awesome. And the people I will meet will no doubt amaze me.

But I need to remember that these weekends aren’t all of my job. And I need to weight if they’re enough of my job or not….and now I’m ahead of you, so here you go:

I’ve been waking up every morning with a sense of dread. It’s not too different than the sense of dread that lulled me to sleep. Yesterday, I looked past my sleeping husband to see the clock illuminate 4:44. In other words, too early for me to be up. Too early for me to be worrying about things. Too early for me to feel sick to my stomach – all because of my job.

This morning, it was 3:45 when I first woke up worried.

I love my job.

Sort of.

I love what I do. I love that I have purpose. I love that it’s a good thing.

I hate that it never goes away. When I shut down my computer at the end of a long day, it’s not a real shut down, but rather a hiatus. After a drive home periodically checking my BB for urgent updates, I sit on the couch and open my laptop. Resume work.

Weekends are filled with me keeping one eye on the weekend, the other on my BB. And when I elect to “turn off” and really disconnect from it all, it keeps me up at night and eats away at me. I worry about what I’m missing, if something came up, if something should have been done. I work with volunteers so the nature of the beast is that they work nights and weekends. They often expect (or at least would like) immediate responses.

Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that can do this long term. Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that wants to. My anxiety is making me nauseous in the mornings, to the point where brushing my teeth can set off a gag reflex that leaves me leaning over the sink desperate to keep whatever’s in my stomach in my stomach.

Bottom line: This is not good for me.

I often jokingly ask Long Board if I can have a baby now so that I can quit my job and stay home. He always laughs and says, “Not yet!!!”

Last night, I had to tell him I wasn’t joking. Well, at least about the job part. I’m on board with us waiting a little longer for Baby, but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this job. I think he always thought I just didn’t want to work….I’d hidden from him a lot of the stress and drama of the job. He knew the long hours were taking a toll….he knew the travel was tough on us. He didn’t realize how I was internalizing everything that was going on. How I feel badly about myself after being “wrong” all day. He didn’t realize how little I slept during the night. He didn’t understand that I feel like this job is keeping me from being the wife that I want to be – the person that I want to be.

Now, I get it. Working sucks. There are a few people that have the awesome luxury of loving what they do. The rest of us drag on day after day. I’m not delusional enough to think that I deserve better. That I’m different and don’t need to be just another working stiff. I just need to find something that I can do where work stays at work. Where I can hate my job but at least love being at home because the work doesn’t follow me there.

Thankfully, after a long and honest conversation, Long Board was the loving and supportive and amazing guy I can forget that he is. His offer: hold out until he gets his full-time gig (should be in December) so that I can get on his health insurance and everything and then I can quit.

Now, he’s not exactly on board with me being a stay at home wife, haha, but at least we can explore the option of something else. I’ve got a few ideas, so stay tuned!

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Filed under brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG, life with long board, sometimes I AM working, things that make my brain hurt

Random Reason I Love Long Board #1 (and #2!)

Who knows, maybe I’ll just post this one. Maybe I’ll post a lot. I numbered this post just in case.

We were sitting on the couch, watching The Prestige.

Long Board had seen the movie before, but was really into it. It was just yesterday, but I already don’t remember if he said something, or did something, but something made me ask, “You really like Hugh Jackman, huh?”

I thought he was going to say something like, “Yeah, he’s a good looking guy” (PS – I also love that Long Board will admit if a guy is empirically attractive – title of post has been updated accordingly). Maybe, “Yeah, I really like his movies.” Even, “Duh! You know I love X-Men! He’s the perfect Logan!” I don’t know – one of the reasons people usually like Hugh Jackman.

Instead he simply replied, “Yeah, he’s a good Dad.”

He could have liked him for a hundred different reasons, but I gotta think this is the best, most touching one he could have come up with.

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Filed under life is good, life with long board, short and sweet, things that make you go wow

Overwhelming Wedding Support

Someday I’ll stop blogging about all things wedding, but not today.

And don’t worry, not until I post some of those pictures I’ve promised you. 🙂

A few days ago, a dear friend posted this picture on her F@cebook:

I immediately “shared” it and commented that not only did I not update our relationship status for a week, but that I didn’t check F@cebook at all on my wedding day. (Nor did I check my Blackberry – a huge accomplishment in itself!)

Wanting to confirm that I wasn’t a dirty liar, I went to my profile and scanned down to October 8th.

My heart was warmed as I re-read all of the posts of congratulations and well wishes, and I realized how many of the amazing people that commented were folks that I’d never met in real life, but knew from my time online in adoptionland. Folks that I have met, but that were friendships that were foraged almost entirely online. It was a really cool moment, and I let it go without commenting. And I didn’t want to keep it that way.

So to anyone and everyone that wished us well on F@cebook – thank you. Truly, genuinely, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could not be more touched that so many people across the country were thinking of us on that day. It’s beyond awesome.

Oh, and I confirmed that my first post was two days later, safely nestled on our Honeymoon, and I indeed updated our relationship status on October 15 – one week later, just like I thought. 🙂

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Filed under friends in cyberland, life is good, life with long board, short and sweet, things that make you go wow

Not Technically Mrs. Long Board After All….

I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose I didn’t welcome myself back as Mrs. Long Board because I’m not Mrs. Long Board. I’m still just good ol’ TGM.

On the night that we finally sat down and filled out our marriage license I paused. I stalled. I freaked? I don’t think I went that far, but I was far enough that LB put his foot down and said that I’m not changing my name. So for now, for all legal purposes, I’m just Mrs.TGM. Who knows what the future will hold – probably a name change, but for now, we’ll stick with the status quo.

I tried to keep this change under wraps. I planned on responding to Mrs. LB, accepting mail sent to Mrs. LB, and not really making any kind of a public declaration that we were Mr. LB and Mrs. TGM. I’d go with the flow. Which worked great until I realized that every person I knew/met/bumped into on the street would ask me if I was going to change my name. I suppose that I thought not changing my name was so uncommon that it wouldn’t occur to people to ask. Oh, but they did.

My Dad was overjoyed – but without showing it. That meant a lot I suppose, and in a strange way it meant a lot to LB. My sister was a little horrified, if only because she had bought me a shirt for wedding day prep festivities that said “Future Mrs. LB.” I said, “Hey, one day I might be – you know, in the future, so it works!” 🙂 (See? Not throwing fits here!) LB’s family, well….I can’t get a read on them. That and the vast majority of them don’t know. His Mom knows because she asked and he wasn’t going to lie to her. I think she let it go at first, but asked more questions later. He answered with a brief, “It’s a personal decision that we made,” and cut off all further inquiries to the matter.

I’m fairly concerned for the day that both Grandma and Sister find out. They are the more….opinionated members of his family.

But I think there was a part of me that was concerned for the day that Cupcake would find out. God forbid we lose touch, I don’t want to be the only one that knows all the contact info. Sure, I could just give Dee my new last name, but my email has my current last name. I’m traceable. And it’s a connection to who I was when I had Cupcake. There was something about getting married that felt like shedding some of that person anyway….I think the name change felt a little bit like the final nail in that coffin.

Maybe I need to make a full transition from who I was to who I’m becoming….but something just wasn’t ready in me. My public answer is that I’ll probably change my name when we have kids. Of course, I’ll want to have the same name as my kids.

But even if I change it to Long Board, I’ll never have the same last name as all of my kids. Perhaps there’s a part of me that feels like if I didn’t give Cupcake my last name, why should I give that to her siblings? There’s some crazy part of me that wants to already keep things even. And I just have to accept that it will never be “even.”

Wow, the theme of this post sure evolved as I typed! Such is blogging! Now to ponder some more….

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Filed under a little bit adoption, deep thoughts with TG, family ties, life with long board

Welcome Back, Mrs.

Yes, I’m welcoming MYSELF back to blogging. I, once again, took a break.

Fun fact: Planning a wedding can be a full time job.

Interestingly enough, my actual full time job is more like a time and a half kind of job. So you do the math.

So for the past month and a half or so – I worked. I worked at planning a wedding. I worked at controlling my reactions to my sometimes crazy mother. I worked at planning and executing the five fundraising events I’ve had since then. I’ve traveled to Madison, Wisconsin and Austin, Texas. Even a brief stint in Vegas as a “mini-moon.”

And today I signed up for the Open Adoption Roundtable Adoption Bloggers Interview Project! Confession? I feel a little big bad for my partner, as yet to be assigned….I haven’t really blogged adoption much recently, have I? Though, I suppose the flip side of that is that there’s a whole lot of stuff they could potentially ask me about!

I thought this would be a good way to launch me back into blogging. That, and I’ve got all this “free” time now that the wedding is beside me! Well, unless you count purchasing and then writing countless thank you cards, putting together our “home” (something we purposefully neglected until post-wedding) and – holy crap – getting ready for holidays! Already??? HOLIDAYS? It’s a wee bit bananas if you ask me!

Now, before the assault of requests come (perhaps I flatter myself….) there will be a password protected post of pictures. Soon 🙂 I promise. I must admit, I LOVE my pictures. LOVE. It was really awesome to feel completely and totally pretty for a day and have someone follow you around with a camera so that you can prove it later. Can I wallpaper my house with these pictures of me looking put together? Please??

I suppose Long Board’s not to shabby either.

So since he’s not driving me crazy yet, I’ll say this: We’re completely and totally blissfully happy living together as man and wife. You know, with little speed bumps along the way! 😉

But truly, it’s been an incredible journey so far, and now I’m finally getting back to documenting it. If you’re still here after all of these trips off the grid – I’m impressed. And I promise to treat y’all better. I swear!

 

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Filed under life is good, life with long board