Category Archives: sometimes I AM working

Not Sure I Can Do This Anymore…..

I wrote this last week. For some reason I didn’t publish it….I thought about tossing it, because I feel a little bit better today. Then I remembered that’s because I’m doing one of my favorite parts of the job: I’m in Houston, getting ready for one of our events tomorrow. While the travel can be draining, the thrill of the event is wonderful. The sense of accomplishment is awesome. And the people I will meet will no doubt amaze me.

But I need to remember that these weekends aren’t all of my job. And I need to weight if they’re enough of my job or not….and now I’m ahead of you, so here you go:

I’ve been waking up every morning with a sense of dread. It’s not too different than the sense of dread that lulled me to sleep. Yesterday, I looked past my sleeping husband to see the clock illuminate 4:44. In other words, too early for me to be up. Too early for me to be worrying about things. Too early for me to feel sick to my stomach – all because of my job.

This morning, it was 3:45 when I first woke up worried.

I love my job.

Sort of.

I love what I do. I love that I have purpose. I love that it’s a good thing.

I hate that it never goes away. When I shut down my computer at the end of a long day, it’s not a real shut down, but rather a hiatus. After a drive home periodically checking my BB for urgent updates, I sit on the couch and open my laptop. Resume work.

Weekends are filled with me keeping one eye on the weekend, the other on my BB. And when I elect to “turn off” and really disconnect from it all, it keeps me up at night and eats away at me. I worry about what I’m missing, if something came up, if something should have been done. I work with volunteers so the nature of the beast is that they work nights and weekends. They often expect (or at least would like) immediate responses.

Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that can do this long term. Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that wants to. My anxiety is making me nauseous in the mornings, to the point where brushing my teeth can set off a gag reflex that leaves me leaning over the sink desperate to keep whatever’s in my stomach in my stomach.

Bottom line: This is not good for me.

I often jokingly ask Long Board if I can have a baby now so that I can quit my job and stay home. He always laughs and says, “Not yet!!!”

Last night, I had to tell him I wasn’t joking. Well, at least about the job part. I’m on board with us waiting a little longer for Baby, but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this job. I think he always thought I just didn’t want to work….I’d hidden from him a lot of the stress and drama of the job. He knew the long hours were taking a toll….he knew the travel was tough on us. He didn’t realize how I was internalizing everything that was going on. How I feel badly about myself after being “wrong” all day. He didn’t realize how little I slept during the night. He didn’t understand that I feel like this job is keeping me from being the wife that I want to be – the person that I want to be.

Now, I get it. Working sucks. There are a few people that have the awesome luxury of loving what they do. The rest of us drag on day after day. I’m not delusional enough to think that I deserve better. That I’m different and don’t need to be just another working stiff. I just need to find something that I can do where work stays at work. Where I can hate my job but at least love being at home because the work doesn’t follow me there.

Thankfully, after a long and honest conversation, Long Board was the loving and supportive and amazing guy I can forget that he is. His offer: hold out until he gets his full-time gig (should be in December) so that I can get on his health insurance and everything and then I can quit.

Now, he’s not exactly on board with me being a stay at home wife, haha, but at least we can explore the option of something else. I’ve got a few ideas, so stay tuned!

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Filed under brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG, life with long board, sometimes I AM working, things that make my brain hurt

Another Night, Another City, Another Hotel

I’m making my third stop in Texas in 22 days. I’ll make a fourth stop in December. And while I sit in another Texas city in another hotel, I don’t mind it. I mean, I miss Long Board – and there’s a part of me that is sad that our life as a married couple that never spent a night apart was so short-lived. He actually came along with me on my first trip, perhaps just to avoid reaching that fate even more quickly. But alas, last weekend I was apart from him, and as I sit in my Hy@tt watching CNN’s coverage of the Penn state scandal, Long Board is far away camping somewhere. In the rain.

Call me crazy, but I’d take my lonely hotel over a rainy tent just about any day!

And the truth is – I really enjoy traveling alone! Here are a few of the reasons why:

1. I do not have to consult with anyone else on what I want to do. I’m not sure where or what I want to eat tonight, but I’m going to decide without having to consult anyone else. And I enjoy that. I like reading on the plane without having a companion to talk to. I like being on my schedule, no one else’s. I’m even one of those losers that doesn’t mind eating either alone with a good book, or sliding up to a sports bar and watching the game by myself. I’m so rarely alone these days, that, well – it’s not all that bad!

2. Let’s face it, these are work trips first and foremost. The whole point is not about going out on the town (though sometimes that’s a perk: see reason 3!) I have a job to do. So when I walked into my room tonight my eyes honed in on the DVD player attached to the TV and visions of RedBox and chinese takeout danced in my head…..ah, a night in at a hotel. Get plenty of rest to get up bright and early and work all day. And if my volunteers call me and there’s an emergency, the only person who’s night get’s ruined/canceled – is mine. And that’s okay. It’s what I’m getting paid (sort of, ha!) for.

3. Being alone gives me a prime opportunity to hit the town and meet up with people! Okay, this sounds quasi-creepy. I’m not talking about some weird cheater-nonsense. I’m talking about many of you fabulous bloggy/internet people! I’m hoping to set up just such a meet up tonight/tomorrow. Now I just need to get my volunteers to give me the green light that everything is kosher tonight and that I won’t be needed….but I digress. Now sure, I can technically do this if I’m traveling with someone else, but not quite so easily.

I’m not sure how I would explain my internet friendships to my colleagues. There’s a sort of unspoken assumption when we travel together that we’ll hang out together. And since I’m friends with my colleagues, this plan usually works out just fine. We’ve met up with friends, family, etc. and it always goes just fine. But I’m not sure how, “Hey, wanna meet up with my friend that I’ve actually never met but know because I blog/write on forums about how I gave my kid up for adoption?” will go over with colleagues, or, say, my boss.

Long Board knows about my internet hobbies and has been with me on one of those “first meeting” situations. Since we had a second meeting with this person, I know that he wasn’t totally freaked out by it, but I think it threw him just a bit. I’m not sure he “gets” why I make actual friendships with people through this medium. And frankly, it’s just more comfortable for me to meet and spend time with these friends on my own. Maybe that’s wrong or whatever, but it is what it is for now.

So, I could mope about being stuck in this hotel room alone, or I could celebrate the solitude. Dream of RedBox and chinese food. Scheme to meet old friends for the first time. And be extra okay with this arrangement because it’s just temporary and I’ll be home on Sunday.

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Filed under friends in cyberland, life is good, sometimes I AM working

Adoption Free Friday: The 11th Hour

Okay, if I was posting this in my normal time zone, it would only be the 9th hour, but since I’m in Kansas for 24 hours – we’re on the 11th!

Since I’ve been up since 4am, I’m not particularly verbose either!

Enough numbers in this post for you?

So here’s a funny little story from my travels before I go to bed:

My co-worker and I arrived at the airport and were in a hurry to get to our hotel, freshen up, and get to our first event. We went over to the D0llar rental car stand and waited patiently for our turn. When it finally got there (how long does it take to check out a car? I swear!) we went through all the formalities – confirming our kind, price, and the ever present pitch to take them up on the weekend deal. “I can put you in a F0rd Edge for just $20 more a day!” I politely and patiently declined, saying we were only here for 24 hours, we’d be fine in the full size I’d reserved.

Which of our full coverage insurance packages would you like?

None, thank you.

GPS?

Brought my own.

Buy the full tank of gas?

Only driving a few miles.

In other words, “No, I will not take you up on any of the options that may enhance your commission for the day.”

We finally got out of there and started walking to the lot. Out of curiosity, I glanced down at the keys to see what kind of wheels we’d be rolling in for the next 24 hours.

A picture’s worth a thousand words?

Believe me, my co-worker and I have said (laughed, cursed, exclaimed) far more than 1000 words as we cruise around in our 2010 Mercury Grand Marquis.

Lesson o’ the day: Don’t piss off the guy that’s choosing how you roll.

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Filed under adoption free friday, nonsense, short and sweet, sometimes I AM working, things that make you go wow, worth a thousand words

One of Those Tuesdays

I am just having one of “those” days.

Specifically one of those pick-a-fight-be-a-bitch days. (Can someone confirm that I’m not the only one that has these?) I actually think that I am pretty low in my ratio of normal days to these kinds of days. This happens VERY rarely, so once in a while, I just allow myself to at least feel that way.

Things contributing to my current state:

1. My crazy coworker that thinks she’s my manager. She’s driving me crazy. My boss is out of town on business and rather than me getting to ENJOY not having a supervisor, my co-worker has taken it upon herself to claim the crown. She wasn’t told to do this, asked to do this, just decided that she would give me a headache.

She also responds audibly to every email that she opens and is notorious for eating “way too much” at lunch and then complaining the rest of the day. Sometimes this is done while crunching on ice. No bueno.

I made it through the work day without snapping her head off….but tomorrow – well, there are no guarantees there!

2. Adoption stuff. No, not my own adoption stuff (though I wouldn’t mind hearing from Dee after she moved, but I know she’s busy of course!) more just things going on in general. One of my favorite peeps got attacked by trolls and it was so completely uncalled for that it still makes my head hurt to think about. I’m tired of getting into discussions about religion and adoption and having to take a stance on why I don’t think that God put a baby into my uterus for Dee. I was tired that everything I said was getting twisted to fit someone else’s agenda – that words were being put in my mouth – and now I’m more angry at myself that I allowed that to shut me up.

So to fulfill my bitchmode desire in adoptionland…I wouldn’t mind hopping into a heated adoption debate right about now just to assert myself and find that part of my voice again! So far, I’m succeeding in resisting. We shall see. (Succeeding is also defined as “not writing a blog that is designed to start too many fires! Another thing that I had to fight against…)

3. Long Board, Long Board, Long Board. I love him so, but sometimes he just does/says things without thinking about how it affects me. Because, you know, the world revolves around me! In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm – it doesn’t. And it shouldn’t. So I get annoyed at myself on this one too. But I can’t help it sometimes. Like when LB was late (as in VERY LATE) to come up to our place a couple Friday’s ago and I was long asleep when 1:30 rolled around and he decided to show up. He was late because he had school stuff to do that he NEEDED to accomplish before the end of the week. Totally understandable. Except that three nights that week he went out and did things after saying to me, “I don’t even know if I’ll go out though….I really should stay and run this data.”

But he didn’t run the data. He saw “Source Code” with his buddies. He went to a poker night. He went to a college alumni event, which was fine, but part of that night was having some great conversations with his ex (not the evil one that’s mean to me, but the one that he dated for four years – eek!) Again, he makes his own choices – and that’s fine and I’m supportive – but at 12:45 on a Friday night while I’m fighting to stay awake long enough to see him, my girl brain goes to “He chose hanging out with his ex over coming up to our house at a reasonable hour.”

Even if that’s SO not how it went down.

Today, the opportunity to pick a fight with Long Board pretty much fell directly into my lap. LB asked what we were doing in a couple weekends and I said that it was open. I asked why, assuming that he had something to put on the books. He sure did! It’s time for the annual college reunion! Last year’s was…..um…a DOOZY!

So needless to say, I was NOT looking forward to going this year. I think LB pretty much got the idea that if he was going this year, he’d be flying solo. In that, I’ve set him up for a no-win situation. (Aha! I finally get to let my inner bitch out a little!?!) He has me go with him, I’m miserable – his fault! He goes without me and I get to be annoyed that he “didn’t want me there” or some nonsense. But the REAL reason for picking the fight goes back to that not-so-bad, 4-year-long ex girlfriend.  You see, every year the alumni that have been alumni for 5, 10, 15 years etc are especially honored and invited. Last year was LB’s 5 year reunion, so us going made sense. This year? All of his friends aren’t even going! Well, except for that ex that’s a year younger than him. So in my mind, a large reason he wants to go is to see all of the friends that were her friends, their friends, while they were together. Which logically is fine….but it’s a decent reason to pick a fight!

Okay – now that I’ve gone through all the reasons that I COULD fight with LB (or my co-worker, or everyone that rubs me wrong in cyberspace) I am PROUD to say that I didn’t. Maybe writing about it helped and kept me from going over the edge and pushing people.

Probably that and the fact that LB is completely immune to my attempts to pick a fight….he’s really good and phenomenally understanding. Dang it. 😉

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Filed under a little bit adoption, blah, brutal honesty, life with long board, sometimes I AM working