Category Archives: things that make my brain hurt

Not Sure I Can Do This Anymore…..

I wrote this last week. For some reason I didn’t publish it….I thought about tossing it, because I feel a little bit better today. Then I remembered that’s because I’m doing one of my favorite parts of the job: I’m in Houston, getting ready for one of our events tomorrow. While the travel can be draining, the thrill of the event is wonderful. The sense of accomplishment is awesome. And the people I will meet will no doubt amaze me.

But I need to remember that these weekends aren’t all of my job. And I need to weight if they’re enough of my job or not….and now I’m ahead of you, so here you go:

I’ve been waking up every morning with a sense of dread. It’s not too different than the sense of dread that lulled me to sleep. Yesterday, I looked past my sleeping husband to see the clock illuminate 4:44. In other words, too early for me to be up. Too early for me to be worrying about things. Too early for me to feel sick to my stomach – all because of my job.

This morning, it was 3:45 when I first woke up worried.

I love my job.

Sort of.

I love what I do. I love that I have purpose. I love that it’s a good thing.

I hate that it never goes away. When I shut down my computer at the end of a long day, it’s not a real shut down, but rather a hiatus. After a drive home periodically checking my BB for urgent updates, I sit on the couch and open my laptop. Resume work.

Weekends are filled with me keeping one eye on the weekend, the other on my BB. And when I elect to “turn off” and really disconnect from it all, it keeps me up at night and eats away at me. I worry about what I’m missing, if something came up, if something should have been done. I work with volunteers so the nature of the beast is that they work nights and weekends. They often expect (or at least would like) immediate responses.

Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that can do this long term. Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that wants to. My anxiety is making me nauseous in the mornings, to the point where brushing my teeth can set off a gag reflex that leaves me leaning over the sink desperate to keep whatever’s in my stomach in my stomach.

Bottom line: This is not good for me.

I often jokingly ask Long Board if I can have a baby now so that I can quit my job and stay home. He always laughs and says, “Not yet!!!”

Last night, I had to tell him I wasn’t joking. Well, at least about the job part. I’m on board with us waiting a little longer for Baby, but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this job. I think he always thought I just didn’t want to work….I’d hidden from him a lot of the stress and drama of the job. He knew the long hours were taking a toll….he knew the travel was tough on us. He didn’t realize how I was internalizing everything that was going on. How I feel badly about myself after being “wrong” all day. He didn’t realize how little I slept during the night. He didn’t understand that I feel like this job is keeping me from being the wife that I want to be – the person that I want to be.

Now, I get it. Working sucks. There are a few people that have the awesome luxury of loving what they do. The rest of us drag on day after day. I’m not delusional enough to think that I deserve better. That I’m different and don’t need to be just another working stiff. I just need to find something that I can do where work stays at work. Where I can hate my job but at least love being at home because the work doesn’t follow me there.

Thankfully, after a long and honest conversation, Long Board was the loving and supportive and amazing guy I can forget that he is. His offer: hold out until he gets his full-time gig (should be in December) so that I can get on his health insurance and everything and then I can quit.

Now, he’s not exactly on board with me being a stay at home wife, haha, but at least we can explore the option of something else. I’ve got a few ideas, so stay tuned!

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Filed under brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG, life with long board, sometimes I AM working, things that make my brain hurt

Oh NO He Didn’t!

This weekend was many important things: a big National event at my work, the release of Tw!l!ght: Break!ng Dawn; Part One, the USC upset over Oregon (WOOHOO!!!) and my baby sisters birthday.

I celebrated most of these events without a hitch.

While it rained a bit through our remembrance ceremony for work, it was a beautiful event and there were no snafus.

While we had to reschedule what time we were going to see my guilty pleasure movie a few times, we eventually settled into our seats at a 10:00am showing on Sunday morning and enjoyed every minute of it.

And there are no caveats to my enjoyment of the USC game. I was braced for a bitter loss but was thrilled beyond compare. It was a good day.

My sister’s birthday on the other hand? Okay, it was actually fine. Great even. We had a not so painful lunch with my parents, a trip to Target (always a pleasure), a successful Costco run, and, of course, that epic football game. So what tainted the day just a wee bit?

F@cebook.

How cliche, right?

But hear me out for just one second.

Why in the world was the FIRST PERSON that wished my Baby Sister a Happy Birthday on FB, none other than……

CUPCAKE’S BIRTH FATHER.

Are you freaking kidding me???? I have heard from you ONCE since April 2006 (if you do the math, you’ll note that’s six months before Cupcake was born) and that was when you sent me some strange request to drive to Vegas together for the weekend. Over Easter. When we hadn’t talked in two years. What is your problem sir?

Oh, and it’s not like he and my sister are friends. Yes, they’re “friends” on FB, but actual friends? No. He doesn’t talk to her either. Which is probably why she called me and said, “You will NEVER guess who was the first person to write on my wall this morning.” “If I’ll never guess, just tell me.” “Loser (name redacted for privacy) – isn’t that SO FREAKING WEIRD?”

Yes, Baby Sister. Yes, it is.

Can I get a ninja?

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Filed under a little bit adoption, blah, drama in cyberland, face slapping ninja, things that make my brain hurt

Oh, The Legality of it All!

Lo and behold – an adoption post! I know I’ve been quiet on the issue, but that’s because (a) nothing’s going on in my adoption, and (b) I kind of gave up on some things. I got tired of being told I was the bitter birth Mom and really tired of people twisting my words to fit their agenda – either using what I say to support their ideas (that I don’t support) or to use me as someone that’s just so darned mean.

Whatever.

Today? I give up. Say what you want. You’re wrong.

SO, on to the current “rubs me wrong” issue.

The legality of adoption.

Not just the legality, but the legality being the be-all, end-all. The argument that once TPR is signed, revocation runs out, adoption is finalized, that Cupcake is no different to me than any random child I would see at the park or at a mall. It’s LUDICROUS. Yet it’s used constantly because legally, yes, it’s true. I don’t have any legal right to Cupcake.

Guess what? Neither do a lot of people.

Her teachers don’t have a legal right to her. Friends of her Mom’s don’t have a legal right to her. Her Mom’s partner doesn’t have a legal right to her (unless they get married or adopt and things, but that hasn’t happened.) But I would guess that every single one of those people that have formed a relationship with Cupcake would be pretty offended if someone said that she is NO different than any other child they see walking down the street.

But I feel like we’re supposed to shut up and take it.

“Yes, I understand. Thank you for reminding me. I will try harder to pretend like I don’t have a vested interest in this legally foreign to me child.”

It’s nonsense.

To be fair, I want to note that while I’m using Cupcake in this example, Dee has never insinuated that Cupcake should be a “legal stranger” to me.

But others have. And I just don’t understand where that gets them.

Furthermore, it adds just another layer of complexity to the relationship that people feel is appropriate to have for our children. Another layer of the “perfect” way that we should think about them.

We should miss them and think of them often, but we should be 100% secure and happy in our decision. We should love them equally to the way we would love a child we raised, but we should accept that we are legally strangers. We should be willing to bend over backwards to put our placed children first, but we should understand when communication from parents ends and we feel we are put last.

Oh, and we should never, ever complain.

Because let’s not forget. We chose this.

(Side note: Parents that choose to be in an open adoption with us can complain, even though they signed up for it, because that’s just completely different.)

Yes, I’m grumbling.

Yes, I’m bitching.

But I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just frustrated. And angry. And there’s a difference. And this isn’t anything new. I’ve just stopped talking about it for awhile.

I feel like a lot of people have really…I wonder if others felt as silenced as I did. (Do?) Perhaps this is only one scared, tentative critical post and I’ll crawl back under my rock for a while. I’m not sure yet….I haven’t charted a course on this one.

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Filed under all things adoption, blah, brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG, things that make my brain hurt

Countdown to Other Junk I’ll Probably Write About

9 hours – until I see my baby. NO, I do not mean LB. Yesterday we were all excitedly looking forward to our weekends and my contribution was, “I get to see my baby tomorrow!” My co-workers, that know me fairly well as the not so sentimental type looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears until one broke the silence and said, “Ooooohhhhhh, you guys, she’s talking about Thomàs…..” Everyone was relieved. Order was restored.

17 hours – until one of my events starts tomorrow. In Milwaukee. Where I will not be. I’m sure it will be wonderful – beautiful – inspiring and successful. But I’m still nervous as hell since it’s a first time event and they’re doing it without a safety net/someone to blame, haha!

22 hours – until I do a 10K mud run. What the hell were we thinking signing up for this? Two of my brothers, their wives, LB, my sister and I will be getting hosed down at8:00 am tomorrow before embarking on a 10K (mind you, I’ve never run a mile straight, so this should be exciting…) that includes mud pits and obstacle courses. We are totally bat shit crazy.

25 hours – until my second event I’m not attending starts. This one’s also a first time event, but it’s a small-ish golf tournament in San Antonio, and my event coordinator is experienced, and I trust this one is going to go off without a hitch. Having said that? Still a little nervous.

8 days – until I fly to Washington, D.C.!!! I’ve never been. I’ve been once when I was much too small to remember, and have always wanted to go back. Long Board is from back East, so we’ve always thought about going, but it just hasn’t happened yet. Then world’s collided and work decided to send me out for our Advocacy Days. Win, win! Flight gets paid for, hotel gets paid for, and I get to visit DC! VERY excited.

11 days – until I meet Long Board’s Dad. I couldn’t very well head out to DC without LB! So he signed up to volunteer at Advocacy Days and we’re making a trip out of it afterwards…including meeting his Dad. Yes, I’ve never met his Dad, and I thought it would be a nice thing to do. You know, before we get married this fall. It will also include visiting his Mom, which I hate to admit that I’m not all that excited about doing. It puts LB in a funk, I’m not all that sure that she likes me, and I just don’t know how to handle her yet. She’s very….judgy….and always says that I’m “fancy.” Which I don’t even get. I’m pretty low key, low maintenance. But whatever.

15 days – until one of our big events in DC! It’s not my event, but I’ll still be in town, so LB and I will be volunteering. If you live near DC, you’re into walks and want to be at a really awesome event, let me know and I’ll tell you what I actually do for a living, haha! (Best to keep that sort of thing quasi under wraps….)

15 days – until I’m back home as well. Is it bad that I’m already grieving the end of our vacation?

17 days – until we have a meeting with our reception venue. I’ve been trying to get my Mom (who’s got the contact) to set this up for months. But my procrastinator of a Mother wouldn’t get on it. Then she set up what was supposed to be a tasting but will just be some kind of meeting. I’m hoping this is the meeting where I can become the point of contact and not have to wait on Mom anymore. She’s just not always the most….reliable. Which has always driven me crazy, but when it impacts my planning of my wedding? Well, let’s just say that I see how some bridezillas are born….

23 days – until we go to yet another wedding of yet another friend that got engaged after we did.

28 days – until our two year anniversary. Awwwwwww, aren’t we adorable. Whatever, haha!

37 days – until Long Board’s first day at his summer internship. In other words, the latest possible date that LB would be living up here, with me and Thomàs, in our house – FULL TIME. Arguably one of the most exciting dates in the countdown!!

98 days – until my Bachelorette party. This will dominate a Wedding Wednesday in the future, so I won’t go into too much detail. But after thinking very long and very hard about all the things that I don’t want to do for the Bachelorette party that apparently I have to have (even though I don’t really wanna) I finally came up with something that is very “me” and that I can be very excited about! 🙂

106 days – until the first of my 10+ fall events, and the kickoff to our “crazy busy season.” OY.

127 days – until our wedding!!!

And with that, I stop counting ahead 🙂

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Filed under adoption free friday, life is good, life with long board, short and sweet, things that make my brain hurt

A Really Long Post in Which I Might Be an Idiot

One of the things that I’ve learned along the blogging journey is that it’s REALLY easy to stick your foot in your mouth. When you record everything that’s happening, you end up being wrong. A lot. Because if you predict that something is going to happen, or flat out say that something is going to happen, and it doesn’t? Idiot alert!!!

I hate looking a fool. Especially when I get my hopes up about something and it doesn’t happen.

Say I hyped up my trip to Hawaii saying that I just knew Long Board would propose while we were there, and then he didn’t? Oh man, I would have been so embarrassed….so I didn’t say that he was going to. (Okay, I might have said that he *might* or that I hoped he would). Of course, he did, so that one worked out. But in the past I’ve definitely gotten excited about things, people, opportunities that never materialized. And the blog holds me accountable for those things in a way that I think we’re not used to in our regular conversations and life. It’s OUT there. Not one email to a friend, a deletable Faceb00k post (okay, I suppose I could delete old posts here I just don’t…..), but out there for all to see.

SO, all that to hype up why I haven’t talked about some Long Board things in a while.

I (we) have been on quite the roller coaster for a while. The picture in our heads of what our life would look like was headed in one direction, but the constraints of reality kept tugging us in other directions. Long Board is in school. 90 miles away from our house.  A house that we rented, decorated, and set up with the idea of raising a family. Long Board would talk about life after marriage – having kids especially. He’s got a timeline in his head (that I’m on board with, for the record) for when this is all going to happen. It’s a timeline that sounds great! But it’s a timeline that is just not possible considering LB’s school schedule.

When we met almost two years ago, LB told me he had two years left of school.

Last summer, it looked like LB still had two years left of school because of some changes he had to make to his plan. (At the risk of boring you, his adviser made him change his topic of study for his PhD – despite the fact that LB had spent two years doing research and testing already – because he decided it wasn’t the “right” topic anymore).

This summer, it still looks like LB has at least two years left of school.

This isn’t like any schooling that I’m used to. Deadlines and syllabuses, coursework and concrete goals. This subjective degree….I just don’t get it. And because of it’s subjective nature, there’s no actual end date in sight. If we knew that it was May 2012 no ifs, ands, or buts I could handle it. But I have no idea. And I don’t know how to move forward in such uncertainty. To not know if LB and I will live together for the first year (or two!) of our marriage….To not know if our timeline will be anything close to possible….

We’ve talked about this countless hours. Days. Some of our hardest.

This has been such a roller coaster for us. The possibilities seemed endless: Would I look for work 90 miles away and leave our little house, my dream neighborhood, my proximity to everything important – except LB? Would he leave grad school, move up here, and work for his dream company that offered him a position? Would he work an internship here while continuing his PhD? Would his adviser grant him permission to do the majority of his research up here, commuting 90 miles once a week to meet?

Over the past year or so, it seemed that at one point (or two, or three, or four) every single one of these possibilities was on the brink of happening. I found myself getting caught up in the possibility…more excited than I could imagine, thinking that we’d finally be together. Full time.

And every time….that slipped away.

It didn’t materialize.

Often, his adviser would talk him out of the plan. Would tempt him with a new opportunity. LB would change his mind, recommit to the current plan, and wait patiently while the new opportunity didn’t come through. He’d been duped into spending another 3-4 months without really moving forward. But the next time it happened he’d be optimistic.

I wasn’t.

I was tired of riding the roller coaster.

I never told LB to leave grad school, and was always incredibly supportive of the decisions that he made….but it was hard.

As the possibilities of him relocating here kept popping up, I stopped getting excited. I stopped believing it. I couldn’t handle the disappointment again.

Recently, LB was presented with an opportunity to do a summer internship here. I was overwhelmed with excitement because this one looked real. I told people. I allowed myself to be excited again. We talked about it, and Long Board gave me a kiss, left his apartment, and was off to tell his adviser of the plan.

He came back and I knew by the look on his face that there was another offer. Another plan that would keep him from following through. I was…..devastated. It was our hardest weekend by far. One of the only fights we ever had. I found myself finally letting go and allowing myself to yell at him in a way that I had always suppressed in lieu of support. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I told him what made me angry, what made me scared, what made me untrusting. It felt like we’d never make it through that weekend…I think I slept about 3 hours the whole weekend. But we did. Sort of. When I left his place Monday morning, things still weren’t….”right.”

But I accepted what was – and what wasn’t.

And it confirmed my instinct to not share those possibilities. Because I felt like an idiot again.

So today – I come to you at the risk of being a giant idiot.

Long Board is taking a leave of absence from grad school. He will be doing that summer internship. He will be living up here this summer – and beyond. We will be living together after we’re married. We might even be able to stay on track with that timeline we’re hoping for. 🙂

And yes. I might have to admit that I’m an idiot. But maybe I’m saying all this here today to hold us accountable for this decision.

And maybe I’m the ultimate idiot…because I really do believe this one is going to happen.

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Filed under blah, brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG, life with long board, things that make my brain hurt

Wedding Wednesday: Thanks Royal Wedding…

Since there was no way in the world that I was getting up at 3am to watch the Royal Wedding last week, I sat on my laurels slept in my bed knowing that I could watch the whole thing on one of the four different broadcasts my parents had on their DVR. Yes, four. (For the record, I think Dad liked the PBS one the best, Mom, the BBC).

The night before the wedding, Long Board and I were on the phone and he asked what I was going to do that night. I thought he was crazy since it was about 10:15 and he should know by now that means I’m going to go to bed in about 8 minutes. So I thought a stupid question deserved a stupid answer: Thomàs and I are going to go to bed and get up in a few hours to watch the wedding.

“What wedding?”

WHAT wedding?

“The Royal Wedding.”

“What Royal Wedding?”

Okay – I can understand not planning on watching the wedding, not knowing what time it started, maybe not even knowing what day it was on? But just having NO CLUE that this was happening at all? Seems impossible in this day and age of being constantly beat over the head with build up technology. I know LB spends a great deal of time every day on news websites, so this perplexed me.

I caught him up on what was happening, and he seemed mildly interested – mild enough for that to be the extent of his exposure.

Fast forward to Sunday dinner at the parents house. The Royal Wedding playing in the background, Dad tearing up any time anything of any importance happened, LB staring me down, beer in hand, wondering how he ended up snuggled next to Nana on the couch discussing millinery.

I was ready to sit down myself and enjoy the actual wedding, which was about to begin. I would not however, as the viewing apparently inspired my Mother to launch into a rapid fire attack of the following questions. Which are, of course, now all I can think about:

  1. How many ushers are you having?
  2. What are they wearing?
  3. You know they should really be wearing tuxedos, they’re wearing tux’s right?
  4. How many flower girls are you having?
  5. Who are they?
  6. Have you called your sister in law to ask her about your niece being in the wedding?
  7. Have you decided where you’re getting their dresses?
  8. Do you know their sizes?
  9. Do you know what color they’ll be?
  10. Are they all going to be the same design or just the same color?
  11. Are they going to wear gloves?
  12. Are you going to wear gloves?
  13. Have you decided on the theme of your bridal shower?
  14. Have you gotten a hotel for out of town guests?
  15. Are you doing brunch the next morning?
  16. If you did, where would you do it?
  17. Have you decided on where you’ll honeymoon?
  18. How many days can you take off work?
  19. What’s the plan for the rehearsal dinner?
  20. Have you talked to your Dad about the music?
  21. Did you listen to that CD he gave you?
  22. Have you set up a time to meet with the rector yet?
  23. Have you scheduled your counseling?
  24. Have you picked out what verses will be read?
  25. Who is going to do the readings?
  26. When are LB’s family coming into town?
  27. How long are they staying?
  28. Do you have all the addresses on the guest list finalized?
  29. Do you need any one cent stamps?

Can I stop there to rest my brain????

Rest assured, this is not a comprehensive list.

I will make it to October, I will make it to October, I will make it to October…..

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Filed under family ties, life with long board, things that make my brain hurt, wedding wednesday