New Year, New Surprise

Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting on FB, talking to a first Mom friend of mine, venting about some things that annoyed us. Things that frustrated us. Things that exhausted us. The sort of things that used to inspire posts of mine, but that I’ve shied away from recently. I was just starting to think that maybe it was time to get back into exploring the ugly thoughts, the frustrations, and the things that I just don’t “get” when a sudden urge overtook me.

I thought, why don’t I check Dee’s FB and see if there’s anything new!

Now, much like mine, her FB is on pretty tight lockdown. On her page I can see her main picture, her basic info and a very basic wall (as in, just updates to her info). It only took an instant for my eyes to hone in on what was a pretty big piece of info for me: her city had been updated just one week ago BACK to where I live!

My mind and heart raced as if in competition. Would I be seeing them again soon? Why didn’t I know? Does she not WANT me to know? What does this mean for our OA?

I stopped, shared the info with my friend, and tried to take a breath.

Next step – email another first Mom friend of mine that I haven’t kept up with as much as I’d like – who is always good with advice and perspective.

Next step – dwell. Overthink. Ponder.

I wrestled myself back and forth from, WHY wouldn’t she email me to let me know that she’s moving back??? to She must be so busy, I should just sit it out and wait and then back again.I took myself on my own emotional roller coaster that I created in my head. Then, I took it to the boards. Asked some forum folk to see what came back.

Verdict: I have no clue.

In any given moment you might find me excited, scared, joyful, hurt, happy, angry, confused and probably a bunch of other emotions that I can’t even identify right now in my frazzled state. And I don’t think I have to choose between those – I can feel all of them somehow. They’re all true to the experience, though I wish I could simplify it.

But for now, I wait. I wait until I can be in a place to clearly figure out my next step. Do I email Dee out of the blue as though I don’t “know” this information? Do I give Dee her space and wish on shooting stars that she calls me? Do I potentially creep her out and say, “Hey, did you know I check for you on FB sometimes?? Guess what I found out??”

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So today, I work. Tonight, I think. Maybe tomorrow, I do.

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Filed under all things adoption, blah, cupcake, friends in cyberland, me and Dee

An Alternate Reality

Long Board and I like to play this little game where we figure out where we would have met each other had we not met the night that we did. What if his birthday party took him to another bar? What if my friend Husky didn’t get the new job that we were out celebrating?

Long Board lived an hour and a half away, so the game had a bit of a challenge to it.

If we hadn’t met that night perhaps we’d have met at the volleyball tournament we went to on our second date? I would have gone with friends anyway, and he likely would have come up to attend as well.

Perhaps we would have met at one of our favorite haunts, the Underground playing shuffleboard or darts…

But what if LB hadn’t gone to grad school? Well, he’d be living in the same city as me, so we could have met at the pier, at the bars, at the library – a million different places that we both frequented, just never at the same time.

What if I HAD gone to get my PhD? Ironically it’s one of the places that LB considered getting HIS PhD…maybe fate would have changed both of our paths…

Where do our lives, passions, habits intersect? At a baseball game? At a concert? Do we have a fried with a friend of a friend that would have eventually connected us both? We found comfort as we imagined these paths that would inevitably lead us to each other.

But there’s always one scenario that I can’t account for: if I had parented Cupcake.

I wouldn’t have moved to the city where we met.

I wouldn’t have been going to those bars, those restaurants, that library.

I can’t find the place that Long Board would be where he’d meet, and be open to dating, a single Mom.

It’s a weird thing to navigate….I can’t imagine my life without Long Board. I’m so stupidly happy that he’s here that I feel like an idiot to just talk about it. But I have to find a way to feel like I don’t have him JUST because I placed Cupcake. I’m having a really hard time reconciling this idea that I got to have one or the other in my life like this.

So I find myself searching for that way we would have met, where he would have loved us both, and where life would look so different, but be an even better kind of wonderful.

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Filed under a little bit adoption, life with long board

‘Tis the Season to Be Crazy

Now that my event season at work is “over” (and won’t ramp up again until, oh, January) things should be more relaxed. Less crazy. Less stressful.

And then you realize that you’re eighteen days away from Christmas and the next weekend you’ll have to yourselves is in mid-January. Until then it’s bells and merriment, carols and cocktails, and family, family, family.

This weekend Long Board’s family comes together once again for his sister’s graduation. (Another post for another day). Friday, his Dad and step Mom will arrive and stay with us through the weekend. In our home. With one bathroom and squeaky floors. To say I’m nervous would be an understatement. Saturday we’ll see the whole gang: Mom, Grandma, the other grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.

Let the overwhelming begin!

I’m still trying to find a way to feel like I fit in with his family….so far, I’m failing. I tried over Thanksgiving at the grandparents, but I just felt so out of place. Like no one talks to me. I swear I spent half the weekend curled up on the couch reading while no one noticed I existed. I halfway rather enjoyed that outcome – at least I could relax. But it halfway pissed me off…(I’m telling you, sometimes they just can’t win with me…I’m horrible that way. At least I know it!)

So this weekend I get another crack at it!

Will I freak LB’s Mom out as I tell her that I’m fascinated by Alcatraz? Will she subsequently give me the third degree about why and how I could possibly be interested in something like that?

Will I do something to highlight how I’m a total “city girl” – which is code for flighty and not serious. (LB’s grandmother still claims that she didn’t have high hopes for her son’s marriage to LB’s Mom based on the fact that Mom grew up in the city and didn’t know how to build her own irrigation system. A sure sign that she wasn’t serious).

Will I get caught in a VERY competitive board game in which there are no friends, only enemies?

Will I go hide in a hallway while someone engages in awkward and inappropriate family confrontations about (a) money, (b) weight loss, or (c) bad habits?

(PS all of these things have happened at least once)

Or will it all go completely smoothly and comfortably?

Who wants to bet I wish that I just got to read all weekend???

 

 

 

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Filed under blah, brutal honesty, family ties, life with long board

Not Sure I Can Do This Anymore…..

I wrote this last week. For some reason I didn’t publish it….I thought about tossing it, because I feel a little bit better today. Then I remembered that’s because I’m doing one of my favorite parts of the job: I’m in Houston, getting ready for one of our events tomorrow. While the travel can be draining, the thrill of the event is wonderful. The sense of accomplishment is awesome. And the people I will meet will no doubt amaze me.

But I need to remember that these weekends aren’t all of my job. And I need to weight if they’re enough of my job or not….and now I’m ahead of you, so here you go:

I’ve been waking up every morning with a sense of dread. It’s not too different than the sense of dread that lulled me to sleep. Yesterday, I looked past my sleeping husband to see the clock illuminate 4:44. In other words, too early for me to be up. Too early for me to be worrying about things. Too early for me to feel sick to my stomach – all because of my job.

This morning, it was 3:45 when I first woke up worried.

I love my job.

Sort of.

I love what I do. I love that I have purpose. I love that it’s a good thing.

I hate that it never goes away. When I shut down my computer at the end of a long day, it’s not a real shut down, but rather a hiatus. After a drive home periodically checking my BB for urgent updates, I sit on the couch and open my laptop. Resume work.

Weekends are filled with me keeping one eye on the weekend, the other on my BB. And when I elect to “turn off” and really disconnect from it all, it keeps me up at night and eats away at me. I worry about what I’m missing, if something came up, if something should have been done. I work with volunteers so the nature of the beast is that they work nights and weekends. They often expect (or at least would like) immediate responses.

Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that can do this long term. Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that wants to. My anxiety is making me nauseous in the mornings, to the point where brushing my teeth can set off a gag reflex that leaves me leaning over the sink desperate to keep whatever’s in my stomach in my stomach.

Bottom line: This is not good for me.

I often jokingly ask Long Board if I can have a baby now so that I can quit my job and stay home. He always laughs and says, “Not yet!!!”

Last night, I had to tell him I wasn’t joking. Well, at least about the job part. I’m on board with us waiting a little longer for Baby, but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this job. I think he always thought I just didn’t want to work….I’d hidden from him a lot of the stress and drama of the job. He knew the long hours were taking a toll….he knew the travel was tough on us. He didn’t realize how I was internalizing everything that was going on. How I feel badly about myself after being “wrong” all day. He didn’t realize how little I slept during the night. He didn’t understand that I feel like this job is keeping me from being the wife that I want to be – the person that I want to be.

Now, I get it. Working sucks. There are a few people that have the awesome luxury of loving what they do. The rest of us drag on day after day. I’m not delusional enough to think that I deserve better. That I’m different and don’t need to be just another working stiff. I just need to find something that I can do where work stays at work. Where I can hate my job but at least love being at home because the work doesn’t follow me there.

Thankfully, after a long and honest conversation, Long Board was the loving and supportive and amazing guy I can forget that he is. His offer: hold out until he gets his full-time gig (should be in December) so that I can get on his health insurance and everything and then I can quit.

Now, he’s not exactly on board with me being a stay at home wife, haha, but at least we can explore the option of something else. I’ve got a few ideas, so stay tuned!

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Filed under brutal honesty, deep thoughts with TG, life with long board, sometimes I AM working, things that make my brain hurt

Well That Probably Explains It…..

I’ve been kind of a mega bitch this week. I just feel gross and icky and unsettled. I can’t sleep. Work has been more of a challenge than usual, and I feel like I’m letting balls drop. I am in a funk. Things are just not going well. Long Board and I are good – but a bit strained now and then.

So today at work, I was processing an invoice when I realized it was November 22.

And that Cupcake’s birthday is November 23.

Ahhhh. Now it makes some sense. Of course, I KNEW that her birthday was the 23rd, I suppose I just forgot that the 23rd was already here…..

And she’s FIVE. Five.

Sometimes I just can’t believe how we got here….

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Filed under all things adoption, blah, cupcake, short and sweet

Oh NO He Didn’t!

This weekend was many important things: a big National event at my work, the release of Tw!l!ght: Break!ng Dawn; Part One, the USC upset over Oregon (WOOHOO!!!) and my baby sisters birthday.

I celebrated most of these events without a hitch.

While it rained a bit through our remembrance ceremony for work, it was a beautiful event and there were no snafus.

While we had to reschedule what time we were going to see my guilty pleasure movie a few times, we eventually settled into our seats at a 10:00am showing on Sunday morning and enjoyed every minute of it.

And there are no caveats to my enjoyment of the USC game. I was braced for a bitter loss but was thrilled beyond compare. It was a good day.

My sister’s birthday on the other hand? Okay, it was actually fine. Great even. We had a not so painful lunch with my parents, a trip to Target (always a pleasure), a successful Costco run, and, of course, that epic football game. So what tainted the day just a wee bit?

F@cebook.

How cliche, right?

But hear me out for just one second.

Why in the world was the FIRST PERSON that wished my Baby Sister a Happy Birthday on FB, none other than……

CUPCAKE’S BIRTH FATHER.

Are you freaking kidding me???? I have heard from you ONCE since April 2006 (if you do the math, you’ll note that’s six months before Cupcake was born) and that was when you sent me some strange request to drive to Vegas together for the weekend. Over Easter. When we hadn’t talked in two years. What is your problem sir?

Oh, and it’s not like he and my sister are friends. Yes, they’re “friends” on FB, but actual friends? No. He doesn’t talk to her either. Which is probably why she called me and said, “You will NEVER guess who was the first person to write on my wall this morning.” “If I’ll never guess, just tell me.” “Loser (name redacted for privacy) – isn’t that SO FREAKING WEIRD?”

Yes, Baby Sister. Yes, it is.

Can I get a ninja?

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Filed under a little bit adoption, blah, drama in cyberland, face slapping ninja, things that make my brain hurt

The Kind of Right I Never Want to Be

Two or three days before our wedding, we found out that Long Board’s big brother was going to be a Daddy. His wife was pregnant and they couldn’t be happier. Though Long Board and I hadn’t quite started trying to have a baby ourselves, I think we got prematurely excited about our kids having a cousin close in age. You know, our child that we’re not having yet either. But we figured if we got pregnant next year, the kids would be about a year apart.Very cool.

Of course, I had limited time to think about this too much. You know, since I was about to get married and all. I admit that I made Long Board call his brother back and find out if they had already told the family or if they were going to make the announcement during, oh, say, our wedding rehearsal. Frankly, it just wouldn’t have surprised me if that was the plan. But no, they were making the calls and all the parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. would know prior to our big day.

(This was probably one of my more Bride-zilla moments).

Once I knew that our wedding was still about our wedding, and not their baby, I was back on the celebration train. LB’s brother lives out of state, but pretty close to two of my brothers – one of which had a week old son at the time, and another brother that is expecting a son in January. Excited to visit three babies, I started planning a trip North to visit – we just had to wait until LB’s new niece or nephew made an appearance. I asked the obvious question then: When is she due?!? Mid-June.

Some quick math made me realize that this was real cutting edge news….and all of a sudden, I felt uneasy. Mid June was still eight and a half months away, and, I don’t know…..

I’ve read too many blogs to get too excited. I’ve known too many women who saw the pink lines and didn’t leave a hospital with a beautiful baby nine months later. I’ve known how cruel this part of life can be.

Long Board saw my face change and questioned it. I said it was nothing. I said I shouldn’t say anything. But he pressed on. “It’s just….I don’t know….I just don’t plan on telling anyone that early when I’m pregnant.” It took him a minute to understand, but when he did, he looked at me accusingly. “Everything is going to be fine, she’s young and healthy – I mean, she’s only 26!” “I know, I know, I shouldn’t have said anything….I just know that it can be a really delicate thing, that’s all. I’m sure everything will be fine.”

So convinced, we did plan that trip in June. We even got one of my local brothers on board who wanted in on the trip, suggesting we rent an RV and make it a road trip. We were all set.

And then yesterday I got the news that I never wanted to receive. I was the kind of “right” that I never wanted to be. I found out that our sister-in-law lost the baby. I can’t help but feel…….and I know this is crazy…….but….guilty. I know I didn’t do anything, but I don’t know why I said anything in the first place. I mean, I didn’t say it to them and I NEVER would have.

And now, here we are.

I’m at a loss…

They’ve experienced a loss….

And I really don’t know what to say or do or anything…we’re not terribly close. I’ve never called my brother or sister-in-law on the phone. I’ve never emailed them. They don’t Facebook. And they live hundreds and hundreds of miles away.

Having said that, it’s not about me. It’s not about me doing something to feel better. It’s not about me not feeling that crazy guilt that I feel…

But I just hate that they’re hurting right now.

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Filed under family ties